Detect Deceit Book; Liar Liar Pants on Fire !

Nice job. Unfortunately, I learned my techniques from being lied to continuously by people every day for over 20 years at my job! I don't break down each movement or verbal hint, I just automatically process all that you talk about without realizing it. I then draw a conclusion to be in "alert" mode. Fortunately/unfortunately I'm usually correct. I would rather be a little naive, it would be less disappointing at the end. It tends to make me more angry when I know up front that I'm being lied to. It's worse for me to accept when someone NEVER had any intent to do something, or not do something, and lied about it. Rather than just not getting around to it, or having a legitimate excuse.

 

We are lied to daily. Its part of the human DNA. The difference is the magnitude and outcome of the lie. And, our willingness to expose ourselves to 'selective truth' is often part of our own wishful thinking DNA. We somehow create a vision in our mind that we are different and this will be a good outcome. The very nature of language and interpretation says that conflict, even with the best intentions, will surface. Consider just how engrained lying is...

"Yes honey. You look great in that dress."
"No. That doesnt bother me at all."
"I have no problem working late."
"I would love too!"
"I promise to pay you right back as soon as I get paid."

The worst part about the above is that as the recipient, we often smell the BS as its being delivered; however, because its to our liking, we eagerly take it in and move on. This is what really compelled the story about this car sale. Seriously, well over 100+ posts by the original author and very detailed accounts of the status etc...lots of energy in the aftermath about the pain in the post sale process. The buyer, despite how exposed they felt (checking several times on their understanding of his request) wanted to beleive. I would suggest that he knew that he was exposed and would see problems upon delivery, but because he WANTED to believe what he felt was a lie, he actually assisted them in following through.

I guess what I am saying is that detection will be difficult because as humans we lie constantly. And, when we are faced with a truth that is inconvenient we are faced with our own internal mechanics that will overlook the lie because facing it means confrontation and added pain up front to ourselves.

This same condition in our minds to beleive the unbelievable is what Vegas was built on, why people smoke, and what fuels the sales of lottery tickets. Unfortunately, if something doesnt feel right, it almost always isnt.

 

My favorite, "Yeah, I'm up."

 

Spidermatt360, you are exactly correct about what happened with me. I sensed the lack of follow through, and tried to assist them in making the right choices when dealing with me. That is the exact reason I became so upset, it wasn't just a random lie. It also wasn't an "acceptable" type lie, which I have way more tolerance for. Such as the ones not to hurt peoples feelings. I'm actually not that good at lying in those situations either.
Last time my wife asked if a dress made her look fat, my answer was, "no, the dress doesn't make youlook fat, you do that fine all by your self" Needless to say, she doesn't ask me any more. lol (I was joking, and she is great. But I really am honest when asked those questions, I just say it in a nicer way)
I will never ask a question that I really don't want an answer to. An answer to avoid hurting my feelings is actually a wasted question and answer. The only way I can improve my self is if I'm told the truth. If I think everything is ok, I won't change anything for the better. I do realize that I'm not the norm on this though. I guess it comes down to a confidence issue. Since a little kid I've never had any lack of confidence in my self. I have to credit a lot of things I've done in my life with this confidence. I'm trying to instill that in my children as well. I can't stand when I see bullying going on, especially if a child lets the bully break them down. The kids have to understand that it's the bully that has a lack of confidence. The bully tries to bring the others around them down to their level, instead of raising themselves up to a higher level to match those around them.

 

couple of things....

Self and other focused lies are very much coupled together, except for 'sinister' acts. In other words, in the simple act of telling you that you look great and havent aged a day, is protecting you from my true thoughts, but ALSO (and typically the true motivation behind the lie) that I am saving myself from the confrontation that the truth will create. We save others, but really, we are first looking to save ourselves - its in the same order as the Oxygen mask during a decompression of the airplane cabin - apply yours first, then those around you!

The other element that you touch on but dont exactly call out is the same concept that Malcolm Gladwell writes about in his book "Blink - The Power of Thinking Without Thinking". I would say that our internal lie detection is actually much higher than 80% but we fight the instinct. We are taught not to confront, and we are even taught to fight this instinct altogether - use academics over street smarts so to speak. The professional liar (otherwise referred to as the con artist) will use this to our disadvantage and couple it with the other weak areas of our reasoning skills:

1. greed
2. silencing of our internal voice
3. an inherent need to be accepted and generally avoid confrontation.

Leveraging those areas in concert, and most people dont stand a chance. All the detection cues in the world are at a loss without addressing the shortcomings in our human condition that I have noted above.

When in doubt...one should review the risk and walk away if the worst case isnt liveable.
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