First installment from the Drunken Chef...the Drunken Risotto. Pick a big pot, cook your rice in there...use olive oil at first and add butter later. Season to taste. Season is salt and pepper. In another big fooking pan, put in about half a pound of beef and cook to simmer. Add in lots of diced onions and mashed thumbs of garlic. About halfway through the cook, wander around the house looking for the beer you set down, wander back to the pan without the beer and stir. Find a quarter cup thing of red wine and put that in your big fooking pan of stuff. Drain the fat...there should be a lot of it. Once fat has been drained, look around for the can of beer that you lost because you are drunk. Get another can of beer, open it and then lose it because you are drunk. Take a can of Cream of Mushroom Soup out of the pantry, and put in the automatic can opener. Set it aside. Go get another can of Cream of Mushroom Soup because you are drunk and forgot where you put the last can. Use the opener on both ends and empty the stuff into the beef in that big pan in front of you. Feel free to wander around a bit looking for cans of beer that have been lost. Line them up neatly next to the sink because you will forget them in 10 seconds because you are drunk. Take out one can of olives, and dice them. Like ten olives. Dice ten olives. Ten, diced just so, and thusly, just so. Toss the diced olives into the pan that has beef in it and other things. The rice should be done at this point. Take it off the heat and set it aside. The big fooking pan with beef, onions, mushroomed creamed soup, thumbs of garlic and lots of diced olives is now all that is left. It should be cooked and in a sauce that is creamy. Mix the whole lot together and look for that last can of beer you know is out there, somewhere. Once finished with the feast, swear up and down that there's another can of beer out there and look in the bathroom for it, all the while not seeing the line of beers that are variously just opened and totally full all the way down to opened and kind of full to the one you just put a lit cigarette into. Wrap the pot of 375 lbs of Drunken Risotto with Cling Wrap, set it aside and fall asleep on the couch. Wake up the next morning and place the Drunken Risotto in the fridge, hoping that it hasn't had the chance to grow chest hair. Sleep all day, but throw your dictionary through the television when Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood comes on. And sleep well knowing that you've got some kick assed food waiting for you...until you remember you were drunk and left it out all night.
