Ferrari tool humor

For those of you that may work on your own car... Here is a little list of tools required to maintain that Ferrari:

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HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, and often found alongside
the sickle in the club banners of countries with firm ideas on government,
the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
right beside the object you are trying to hit. Alternately the hammer (and
it's larger cousin, the sledgehammer or BFH or Ford Wrench) can be used to devise a way to get to visit that cute little nurse down at the local emergency room.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of the cardboard carton delivered, at great expense, to your workshop; works particularly well on boxes containing aero panels, expensive seats and/or a lone bottle of battery acid.

ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes
until the Stupidity Police come to take you away; it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in custom fenders and through the new $300 rear
tire.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and crush irreplaceable wiring loom
connectors.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course the more erratic your
destiny.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used in place of a clamp to
hold things in the wrong spot while you drill bolt holes. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to assist in arc-welding your metal watch
band to the rear frame area.

OXY TORCH: Used almost entirely for finding various flammable objects in
your garage. Also handy for firing off the two remaining explosive atoms
left in that holed fuel tank you've been soaking in water for six months.
Alternately can be used to set your moustache on fire while lighting
cigarettes.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that metric socket you've been
searching for over the last two hours. The socket you actually wanted will
appear the moment you've rounded off the bolt.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching that flat
metal bar out of the bloody mess that was your hand so that it smacks you in
the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE BENCH WHEEL/BUFFER: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
around the workshop at the speed of light miraculously smashing them
straight into what ever breakable item is either the most expensive or the
hardest to replace. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Fuuu...!"

HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a Ferrari to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk pads, trapping the jack handle firmly between
the (now) dented front fender & the (now) cracked lower valance lip.

2X4 TIMBER: Used for trying to lever a Ferrari off an trailer jack. It
is quite useful for pinching holes in oil lines during this process and
concealing the fact until you have reached the end of the straight.

TWEEZERS: A tool for pushing 2X4 wood splinters deeper into your hand.

PHONE: A tool for renewing your medical insurance and then calling your
neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

GASKET SCRAPER: Useful as a breakfast tool for spreading butter on toast;
and for getting dog @#%$ off your boot. Does not require washing.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit. Always two sizes larger than the
label says.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating burred screws and
the futility of ever getting the timing anywhere near factory specs. Useful
for sticking in your mouth late at night and permanently traumatizing any
small child that mistakenly wanders into the workshop.

ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of the battery
cables and oil lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

VERNIER CALIPER: A delicate and expensive levering tool that inexplicably
always perfectly fits the minuscule gap between the engine cases and the
barrels you're trying to remove.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a Ferrari battery to the inside of your toolbox, and down the inner thigh of your new jeans, after determining that your battery is dead just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes (and accurately) called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume light bulbs at about the same rate that incendiary bombs might be used during, say, the first few hours
of territorial negotiations in Yugoslavia. Also useful for hooking up your exhaust system directly to the national power grid.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab through the foil seal of brake
fluid containers and splash the contents liberally across your freshly-painted deck lid or hood; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago, by an apprentice in Milwaukee, and either rounds them off or removes the bolt head entirely depending on your perseverance.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the $100 chrome surround for that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10 cent washer.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses a half inch too short.

RAZOR KNIFE: A tool used for scratching chrome and paint after drawing blood.

TOOL BOX: A magic contraption for storing tools that only lets you find the
tool you were looking for yesterday, NEVER the one you are looking for
today, unless of course you just bought another one to get the job done. If
so, when you go to store the NEW one in your tool box you will find the OLD
one sitting right on top like a cherry on a chocolate sundae.

CIRCUIT TESTER/OHM METER: A tool used to short circuit electrical parts.

OPEN END WRENCH: A tool designed to slip off of a bolt head once maximum
force is applied so that your knucks travel at top speed when they impact
sharp metal edges.

BOX END WRENCH: A tool that holds a nut tight enough that the open end
wrench (above) can do it's job on the bolt.

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool that lets you know how much force it took to twist the head off of a bolt.