Going to my first Funeral tomorow

SIT ON CARBOARD BOXES. DONT SHAVE, COVER THE MIRRORS, NO SEX......

SUPPOSE TO BE IN MOURNING..........NO PLEASURES...................

 

Eric,

For what it's worth...I'm right there with you. Today at noon I have to attend my grandmothers funeral. I got the call Friday morning and met my parents at the hospital by mid-day. We waited in the hallway for an hour before they let us in. After walking upto her bed, she passed away within 10 minutes. She was 94 and went quietly, her mind gone years ago and only her fraile body remained. Today I'm one of the pallbearers. There is even a bit of pressure on me to speak or say something.

The thing about a funeral is that you don't have to do anything. You can show up, stand quietly and say nothing. In fact, if you look stunned enough or out-of-sorts...someone will likely come upto you and ask if you're okay. Just stand near your girlfriend and be there for her. It's a no-brainer. The whole mortality thing can be stunning, it makes you realize that day by day we suspend disbelief in that people can die and life is terminal. The best thing is that you can come away with a greater appreciation for life and try to enjoy each day a bit more.

I was contemplating taking the F-car...I almost posted a thread about it...but the question rather answers itself. Not a good idea.

Good luck...

 

The Jewish faith is so g(u)ilt-ridden...

 

Gelt.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

 

Agree with you there. The only exception I'd ever take a car like that to a funeral is if the person that had passed away for example shared the same passion as me.

 

As an owner of a funeral home this is what I do for a living. Let your friend guide you as to what she needs. Flowers are a nice touch, call a florist and have them delivered to the funeral home...they know what to do...be by her side and let her know that you are there if she needs to talk, cry, scream, throw things etc etc etc...these are all part of the grieving process. If her dad had been sick for a while she may have already started through this process and the funeral can really give closure to the situation and get her to that next level. Remember funerals are about celebrating someone's life as much as they are about grieving our own losses. There will be people entrenched in conversation and rehashing old friendships, don't be a wallflower or hang out in the family lounge...talk to people.

As far as open casket visitations vs memorial services or closed casket services, independant research has shown that those that have been offered the chance to say goodbye and face their loss tend to move through the grief process faster and with less problems (ie psychological help/medication) than those that only saw the lid of a casket or the ash filled urn of their loved one. As humans we are programed to want to say goodbye, what is the last thing that you say to someone when you are leaving their house, they are leaving your house, you are hanging up the phone etc. It sounds cliche' but we need to have closure THAT is what a funeral can give to you.

TRUST me I would rather have closed casket visitations or memorial services at my funeral homes as far as my bottom line goes...they are A LOT less work and concern...But what the family needs is a chance to witness mortality and say goodbye.

A local Michigan funeral director Tom Lynch deals with this in his book The Undertaking...check it out it is a real quick read and rather entertaining

 

Just be there for your friend and I'm sure everything else will come at your naturally. I've been to one funeral myself & it definitely is an upsetting feeling to see how the families of the lost ones felt.

 

To this day I will always regret I did not go to my grandfathers funeral. I was 17 and truly did not want to go cause I did not want to see my dad and the rest of the family in a weak moment. I wish I had gone now but I often think about it....

Antony

 

Funerals suck! I hate em. The first funeral I ever went to was my Dad's funeral when I was 9 years old. 18 years removed...I can still remember that day like it was yesterday! Unfortunately, I've been to way too many funerals in my, thus far, short life.

Lots of emotions, and oddly enough, there can be a lot of laughter. A good family friend died about three months ago. Unfortunately I could not make the funeral. From what I hear....the funeral was actually a blast. Yeah, there were tears. Ron was one of the best people I've ever known. He was actually one of my Dad's best friends. People remembered his life. Drank, laughed, and caught up with old times. Be prepared for either senerio!

Your friend will have some tough times. No need to try to cheer her up. Just being there and having an open ear will mean a lot to her!

J

 

I recently attended my sister in law’s funeral. She died young of a terminal illness. She was suffering for a long time, and that made it very very hard on the people that knew her well, and that attended the funeral. Even the staff from the rehabilitation clinic were there. She touched a lot of people, and they showed.

Ive found, strength in numbers, and the quality of people around you make the difference.

Don’t attempt to even remotely bring any attention upon yourself. Telling someone about your problems on the day is superbly wrong. I can guarantee, no matter who bad you may feel, it isn’t as bad as what the close family is feeling. Your purpose there is to support your partner, and ultimately pay your respects for the dead.
Do that, move on. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t try and be a hero either.
As much as you say “Its okay”, it doesn’t make a difference. Just hold her hand the majority of the time, and hug her when she starts to lose it. If you keep reminding her that its “Okay”, it only makes it worse, trust me. How do I know?, try telling my wife that its okay when she lost her only sister….

Its okay to cry too. Sometimes it helps her to see that other people are hurting too.

Overall, don’t be a smart-arse or a hero.

Just be yourself, and a pillar of support for your G/F.

 

I've lost my brother, father, and nana and they are the only people in my family with whom I was ever close. I suppose this is why I never sweat the petty shiit in life, I have seen and experienced far worse.. I never cry or show emotion, kinda weird for a chick but I've been through a lot.

 

Yeah that does seem like alot to go through.
Very sorry to hear all that

 

Shiit.. me too!

Thanks

 

Sorry to hear about your friends loss.

At least you can feel emotion at funerals. What I mean is I have a difficult time consoling people, besides saying I'm sorry. I'm officially numb to them now. I've been to probably 30+ in my life (I'm only 24).

 

I went to catholic school, and I used to be an altar boy. Serving at a funeral mass meant an honorarium from the family. Whenever I heard that somebody died... Cha-Ching!!! And I got to miss class. Bonus!

 

I agree with most posts...I have been to 6 funerals now.....more than I would like. No two were the same, but all were very moving in different ways.....One was military, one was Korean, 4 were normal......all were very different..... just be yourself....if you feel like crying, cry.....be thoughtful, and you will be fine. The few funerals I have been to make me appreciate life more that is for sure.

.....M

 

beat me to it. did the same thing. Weddings paid much better.


Been to many funerals/wakes, all you can do is be there for a sholder to cry on.

Whatever you do, dont say "Its ok" because its not and wont be for a while.

 

I've averaged about one funeral a year for the last 20~ years. Young, old, sick, in good health.. maybe I'm just jaded but it really doesn't frighten me or seem at all awkward; a lot of the times it seals my resolve to live my life to the fullest. All you can say is that you're sorry and maybe share a story or two.. nobody really expects anything more.

As FD knows, there's nothing quite like an Irish-Catholic wake.. It's generally followed by a hangover.

As for the car thing, we had a racing buddy who passed away a couple of years ago. I wasn't able to attend the service but our friends grabbed the keys to all of his cars and drove them in the procession. Nobody could imagine it happening any other way.

 

Couldnt agree more. Ever notice how loud an Irish wake is as well, geeze you can wake the dead. whats the old saying. An Itallian wake ends up in the kitchen, an Irish wake in the bar.

 

LOL, so true. Last wake I attended, I ended up in the swimming pool.

 

During my days, weddings were more lucrative from the altar boy'$ point of view. Sometimes we'd serve 3 or 4 ceremonies on Saturdays.

 

Funeral crashing.. haha.