Golf humor...

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by need4speed, Mar 26, 2004.

  1. need4speed

    need4speed Formula 3

    Nov 3, 2003
    Pacific Palisades
    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
    bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
    throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
    golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls
    into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
    rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its
    rear end.

    I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
    ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the
    cow's butt. And that's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
    like yours!'

    I don't remember much after that.
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  3. Santini

    Santini Formula Junior

    Oct 1, 2003
    North Carolina
    Ha! Oldie but goodie. :D

    More golf:

    Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

    Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf
    players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike

    It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

    If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of
    golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

    They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more
    complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson

    If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead

    Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~ William

    If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin

    If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.- Tommy Bolt

    Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown

    I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown

    My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

    The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye

    I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown

    The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham

    If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

    It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

    Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

    Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret

    May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown

    If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I
    hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown

    The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

    Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
  4. TigerAce

    TigerAce Formula 3

    May 29, 2003
    Dallas, TX
    Full Name:
    Yoshi Ace
    I never heard both of these.

    I saw this shirt on Edwin Watts, saying Fxxx, Sxxx, SOB, "Nice shot!" I love playing golf! w/ big smile face.

    Sort of cute, I thought.
  5. mighty

    mighty Karting

    Nov 2, 2003
    Not true at all. It gets frustrating when you're not playing well.
  6. Bad Chariot

    Bad Chariot Karting

    Dec 6, 2003
    Reading, MA
    Full Name:
    A husband and wife are on their honeymoon in the Carribean. They decided to rent some clubs and play the local course. The husband tees his ball and lands infront of a barn.

    The couple approaches the husband's ball and realize the barn is blocking the husband's approach to the green. The husband says to the wife, "If you hold the barn doors open I can hit it right thru to the green. So she agrees. The husband takes a wild swing and hits his wife right in the head killing her!

    Five years later the man is on a golf vacation with his buddies. They play a course that has the same setup of a barn right down the side of a fairway. The man hits his tee shot in the same place as he did on his honeymoon. The guys get up to the ball and his partner says "Hey this is easy, I'll hold the barn doors open and you can hit it right thru to the green!" The man shakes his head and says "No..last time I did that I made double bogey!"
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