A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. And that's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that.
Ha! Oldie but goodie. More golf: Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.~Sam Snead Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~ William Wordsworth If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.- Tommy Bolt Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
HAHAHA, I never heard both of these. I saw this shirt on Edwin Watts, saying Fxxx, Sxxx, SOB, "Nice shot!" I love playing golf! w/ big smile face. Sort of cute, I thought.
A husband and wife are on their honeymoon in the Carribean. They decided to rent some clubs and play the local course. The husband tees his ball and lands infront of a barn. The couple approaches the husband's ball and realize the barn is blocking the husband's approach to the green. The husband says to the wife, "If you hold the barn doors open I can hit it right thru to the green. So she agrees. The husband takes a wild swing and hits his wife right in the head killing her! Five years later the man is on a golf vacation with his buddies. They play a course that has the same setup of a barn right down the side of a fairway. The man hits his tee shot in the same place as he did on his honeymoon. The guys get up to the ball and his partner says "Hey this is easy, I'll hold the barn doors open and you can hit it right thru to the green!" The man shakes his head and says "No..last time I did that I made double bogey!"