To all you bonza blokes and sheilas - Happy Oz Day!
Happy Straya Day! WE ARE ONE We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional w#nker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to b#tch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after queen who didn't believe in lesbos. Victoria's the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet. Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the Family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, swimming, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian! P.S. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!! No other country has this distinction! HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY for January 26, 2005.
Phil You are NOT an Australian and obviously have far to much free time. Get yourslef dressed, down to the workshop and put my car back together with all this spare time you have on your hands!
he stole that Stephen it comes out every Oz Day and makes little to no sense as most of it is true the bloody cheek of the Poms , they come here over 200 years ago, declare terra nullus or some such bull and then we are cleaning the mess up for the last 40 years along with cleaning up Maralinga nuclear test site (there were some shady deals went along with that ) Anyway, I reckon PeterP should swear Phil in for his naturalisation ceremony... or is that swear at him j/k I know they are really good friends
You Australian guys are funny fu--ks Being in the wine business I have had the pleasure to work with a few of you crazy guys !! Be well DAVID
Stephen, how did you know I was naked anyway.... these web cams should come with warnings I reckon. It wasn't even pointing at me..... Or was that you running on the roof this morning. i thought it was a flippin big possum........ and your car is as together as I can get it. All other jobs done, just waiting for the TWO new different centre box sections to try. Ready on Monday apparently. also....yeah I'm not Australian, but the mad cows were getting out of control in UK, so I'm trying to stay http://dr-joe.net/flash/madcow2.htm
Dream on buddy, then again post a pic of your wife I'm officially a Pom too, even though I've lived here for 35 years, the ease of European travel on a Brittish passport far outweighs the benefits of Australian citizenship IMO.
We are funny aren't we? The only Aussie response to this thread was from a Queenslander - and we know they don't count for much BTW both Moretti & I are also in the wine business - we let some other poor sod make them , then we critically analyse the results
Well, we are officially, officially Seppos but are also officially Aussies (can't have too many passports). The only grog I can get here at the moment is Toohey's New but I have a slab left over from Chrissy so will get stuck in to that. Not sure what the others will have... Happy Australia Day!! Cheers Kevin
