The Smoker, the Alcoholic and the Homosexual Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! 1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! 4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! 5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite! 6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....
A kid walks in on his parents having sex...his father tells him to get out. A few hours later the father walks by the kid's room and hears moaning.... He opens the door to find his kid having sex with his grandmother.... The father is outraged... The kid says, "oh, but you can f*ck my mother!"
One day, Farmer Bob is in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stops by the hardware store and picks up a bucket and an anvil, then stops by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Farmer Bob, realizing he must find a way to carry all of his purchases home, asks the livestock clerk for advice. The livestock clerk says, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" says Farmer Bob, and off he goes. While walking he meets a young girl. She tells him she is lost, and asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" Farmer Bob says, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The girl says, "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" Farmer Bob says, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The girl replies, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Joke analysis courtesy Mason Brown......This joke derives its humor from a series of increasingly absurd premises. First, no farmer ever goes by the name Farmer Bob. Farmers are invariably referred to by their surnames (i.e., "Farmer Brown"), never their first names. To call a man Farmer Bob, even in jest, is to invite a swift steel-toed Timberland to the groin. Secondly, the livestock clerk advises the farmer to carry an anvil home. Even the briefest visit to a local farrier supply store would reveal that most anvils are far to heavy to carry home in one arm. A top of the line anvil (such as the JHM "Competitor") weighs in at 260 pounds and has the following unwieldy statistics: Height: 13-1/2" Face: 20" x 5-1/8" Horn: 11" Base: 12-1/4" x 11-1/4" Hardie Hole: 1-1/4" Pritchel Hole: 3/4.' To suggest that Farmer Bob heft this beast home in one hand in a bucket is to suggest that Farmer Bob do the impossible. Even were Farmer Bob blessed with such almost superhuman strength, the bucket handle would certainly break. Finally, the punchline implies that the girl wants to engage in sexual intercourse in the back alley. The mere thought that a woman could actually enjoy coitus is so preposterous as to render the listener helplessly convulsed in laughter.
