Please note that this is not a complete guide, but can be used as an example of what happens..... 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto supply store and buy a case of oil & filter. Head to the Grocery store and get the kitty litter, hand cleaner and a crate of beer. 2) Drink a beer to "get started." 3) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for axle stands. 4) Find axle stands under the last "project" car. 5) In frustration, have another beer. 6) Place drain pan (an old oil can, cut open) under engine. 7) Look for 14mm socket. 8) Give up and use vice grips instead. 9) Unscrew drain plug. 10) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on you in process. 11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms, knocking over the oil pan in the process. 12) Throw kitty litter on oil drops. 13) Another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among debris in neighbours rubbish bin to avoid recycling charge. Beer. 17) Buddy shows up with your oil filter wrench. The rest of the day is spent watching the game on the TV. 18) Sunday: Up early, despite hangover, muttering "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back garden instead of taking it to be recycled, as you don't have time to go to the recycling centre. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday. 21) Walk to the package goods store, wait for it to open, and buy more beer. 22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 18. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back garden - along with drain plug. 27) Beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly conceal oily patch of ground and hope that the neighbours didn't spot you. Wash drain plug in petrol. 29) Discover first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil. 30) Beer. 31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid mole wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of cross-member. 32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31. 33) Cursing fit, mainly "f**king cars, and their f**king stupid designers". 34) Throw stupid socket wrench, breaking kitchen window 35) Curse for additional 10-minutes. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow. 38) Beer to stop pain.... 39) .... Ditto. 40) Dump in three fresh litres of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from axle stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from step numbers 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Pulled-over and arrested for drunken driving. 48) Call loving wife; make bail. 49) 12-hours later; bail out car. 50) Ring window company, lawyer & marriage councillor for appointments MONEY SPENT: Parts 70.00 Drunken Driving Conviction 2,500.00 Taxi's for three months (lost licence) 4,500.00 Bail 1,500.00 New Kitchen window 250.00 Beer 45.95 TOTAL: 8615.95
On behalf of those of us that do that kind of work for a living I am quite insulted. I spend quite a bit more than that on the beer.
The corollary to that is "how your significant other changes the oil" "Pull into oil change place. Wait 15 minutes. Sign check. Drive off."
Funniest thread I've read in a long time....all good humor has a basis in reality....If you have been there you can really appreciate it.
I totally screwed the pooch today doing my first oil change. Instead of getting a new copper crush washer for the oil pan plug, I tried to anneal the old one with a jeweler's torch. I ended up with a puddle of molten copper in about 5 seconds. What did I do wrong? Obviously... I DIDN'T DRINK ANY BEER! Off to the fridge now... and the parts store tomorrow morning...
When I decide to re-use copper washers I hold the over the gas burners on my kitchen stove til they glow cherry red, then I just drop them in ice water. Nice loud "KLUUSH" No beer... JD
