Humor for military ex-staffers

While probably a re-post, found this today and thought it would bring memories and a smile for some, especially ex-joint staff. Other staff truisms solicited.

STAFFERS’ HARD SAYINGS LOG
"Deny everything…Admit nothing…Demand proof…Counter-accuse…”
STAFFERS’ CREDO
“When they said it that your input was used in the update last night, they meant it was wadded up and placed under a short leg on the table to keep it from wobbling.”
LTC (JS)
“Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few…”
MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the “success” of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much…
“I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here…”
COL (JS) before one of the countless video conferences linking hundreds of staffers from every possible command to discuss the status of FIF
"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker before its time…”
MAJ (EUCOM)
“If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute.”
MAJ (EUCOM)
“The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them, and then exploit the hell out of ‘em…”
CDR (CENTCOM)
“Don’t ever be the first…don’t ever be the last…and don’t ever volunteer to do anything….”
CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism
“Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams.”
Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command
“His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep...”
MAJ (JS)
“We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?”
CDR (TRANSCOM) at a policy SVTC
“Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule.”
CWO4 (ret) (EUCOM)
"There are times in your life when you'll have to eat crow. Actually, you don't have to eat it—just hold it in your mouth long enough until nobody's watching, and then spit it out."
Lt Col (USAF) on the realities of a staff work
"Well, out of all the officers on this staff, he is certainly one of them..."
Maj (MARFOREUR) on a fellow staffer
“I don't need information; I need intelligence.”
Maj (MARFOREUR)
"Legal Advice: Fast, Cheap, Accurate. Pick two."
On the door of a Judge Advocate’s office
“Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up rather than working hard.”
“Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed, and determining who was responsible.”
“Ohnosecond: The minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake (e.g., hit 'reply all')”
Maj (EUCOM), excerpted from a collection of definitions
“The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it…”
Unknown
“‘Status quo,’ as you know, is Latin for ‘the mess we’re in…’”
Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan
“We are now past the good idea cutoff point…”
MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to “fine tune” a COA with more “good ideas”
“There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.”
“Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.”
“Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.”
“None of us is as dumb as all of us.”
“It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a stupid look on your face.”
Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)
"It’s not a lot of work unless you have to do it."
LTC (EUCOM)
"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."
"He is educated beyond his intelligence."
"You can't scrub a black dog white."
"He's over at the gym looking at the spandex exhibit."
"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks."
Lt Col (USSOCOM), excerpts
“That guy just won’t take ‘yes’ for an answer.”
MAJ (EUCOM)
"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all."
LCDR (CENTCOM)
"Arguing with a Marine is like wrestling with a pig: everybody gets dirty and only the pig enjoys it."
LTC (EUCOM)
"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity."
LTC (CENTCOM)
“I always get a little nervous when I hear a Lieutenant say, ‘Based on my experience,’ a Captain say, ‘Hey, watch this,’ or a General say, ‘I was just wondering…’”
"As a Colonel, I get to philosophize. As AOs, you get to do the dirty work"
Col (EUCOM)
"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR."
CPT (CENTCOM)
"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday."
LTC (EUCOM)
"You’re not a loser. You’re just not my kind of winner..."
GS-14 (OSD)
"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it."
GS-12 (DOS)
"Vision without funding is hallucination.”
Maj (EUCOM)
"You only know as much as you don't know."