I miss Rodney Dangerfield...

Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...
I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to
me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing
that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put
a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and
the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were
a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast
fed me. She just liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm sorry We did everything we could, but he
pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning
sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Wednesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight
is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks
and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
"How can I get my
kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he
leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he
went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading
it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth
control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in
his lap; he was in the electric chair.

22. Even as a kid I got no respect. I was so short that I
had to blow my nose through my fly.

23. When I was young, hey, I was a great lover. The women, they'd
yell, they'd moan, they'd scratch my back. But I wouldn't take no for
an answer.