IBM completes Project with Cringle Enterprise (North Pole Operations)

Kringle Enterprise LLC

From: HR Manager; North Pole Operations
To: All employees
Date: December 12, 2005


Greetings to all,

After our dismal performance during the 2004 Christmas season, Santa, with pressure from both the Board of Directors and Stockholders, retained the services of IBM and specifically their Global Business Consulting Services Group. Over the last 12 months, IBM has met with every division here at the North Pole, and our regional centers around the world to review current operating procedures, and current / future corporate initiatives.

The areas IBM was specifically tasked to review were as follows;

• Global supply chain
• A new CRM system (after the whole naughty / nice foul-up last year)
• Accenture’s inability to successfully launch SAP after two years
• Fiscal instability after the hostel take-over attempts by Amazon and Ebay
• The introduction of the Euro in FY’02
• The new FAA flight standards over the US
• Union contract negotiations (Elves are still without a contract)

Below, you find in detail several specific recommendations that IBM has proposed and the Board has either accepted or is in the process of deliberations about.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's
gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Babson’s Executive Education Centre, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.


I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies,
In the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got
that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a
lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was
an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will
assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
enhance their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping
ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;



- Eleven pipers piping and Twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to
the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the optimum number.

 

We did bring in Brother Bruce as our Battery Subject Matter Expert.....but he kept cursing at the Elves.

 

Peter....that picture is great!