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joke of the day

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by paulie_b, Mar 11, 2004.

  1. paulie_b

    paulie_b F1 Veteran
    Consultant Owner

    Jan 13, 2003
    6,792
    Jupiter, FL
    Full Name:
    Paul Bianco
    I couldn't get on "Off Topic"....sorry.

    > A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
    >
    > a half-gallon of 2% milk,
    > a carton of eggs,
    > a quart of orange juice,
    > a head of romaine lettuce,
    > a 2 lb. can of coffee,
    > and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
    >
    >
    > As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
    > drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
    > the cashier.
    >
    > While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    > "You must be single."
    >
    > The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
    > by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
    > her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
    > selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
    >
    > Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
    > you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
    >
    > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
     
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  3. tifosi69

    tifosi69 Formula 3

    Dec 23, 2003
    1,671
    Atlanta, Ga.
    Full Name:
    Al-Al Cool J
    That's funny!
     
  4. AnotherDunneDeal

    AnotherDunneDeal F1 Veteran

    Jun 2, 2003
    5,308
    N.Richland Hills, Tx
    Full Name:
    James Dunne
    This actually happened when I worked for Safeway back in the late 60's. I was a dairy manager at the time this happened.

    We were having a special sale on Lucerne brand butter and the demand had been greater than anticipated and we ran out early. There happened to be this one lady who shopped with us every day looking for the day old bread, marked down meats, discounted moldy cheese and the like. Well, this particular morning I was busy stocking the dairy case and she asked me if we had any more of the butter that was on sale. I apologized and offered her a raincheck since we were out. She just walked off. About 5 minutes later she came back by and asked again if we had any of the Lucerne butter. I again told her we were out and apologized for it, again offering her a raincheck. Again she just walked off. In just a minute or two she came back again asking for butter. By now I was getting frustrated and asked her, "maam, how do you spell milk as in milkshake"? She answered "milk". I said, "that is correct. Now how do you spell pan as in pancake"? Her answer, "pan". Again I said she was correct. Then I asked, "How do you spell f**k as in butter"? She looked at me and said, "There is no f**k in butter". I said "lady, that is what I am trying to tell you. There is no f**kin butter". She looked at me in total disbelief and walked away.

    I had heard this before but had never had the opportunity to use it on anyone. This was, I thought, my golden opportunity. When I got married to my wife in 1989 and we were at her parents house for the reception after the wedding. In front of about 15 guests her mother looked me straight in the eye and said, "James, do you remember about 20 years ago when you gave me a spelling lesson"? I responded that I did not remember because I had only known her daughter for about 6 years. She looked me square in the eye and said, "well then, let me remind you. How do you spell f**k, as in butter"? The guests all roared with laughter about my very red face..........

    Absolutely true story. She still reminds me of it occasionally. She says she has used it on many occasions herself now.
     
  5. sherpa23

    sherpa23 F1 Veteran
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    May 28, 2003
    9,502
    Colorado
    Full Name:
    Bastuna

    HAAAHAAAAHAHAAHA!!!
     
  6. AnotherDunneDeal

    AnotherDunneDeal F1 Veteran

    Jun 2, 2003
    5,308
    N.Richland Hills, Tx
    Full Name:
    James Dunne
    I did not laugh then but I do now. As I look back, it was absolutely hilarious.
     
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  8. AnotherDunneDeal

    AnotherDunneDeal F1 Veteran

    Jun 2, 2003
    5,308
    N.Richland Hills, Tx
    Full Name:
    James Dunne
    Anyone else have any true things that happened to them that could qualify as the joke of the day?????????????????
     
  9. Auraraptor

    Auraraptor F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Sep 25, 2002
    11,470
    MO
  10. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Not true story , but funny !!;
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you
    know, sh*g carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in
    a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his
    van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having s*x?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... "You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
    seen."
     
  11. bobafett

    bobafett F1 Veteran

    Sep 28, 2002
    9,193
    Hyuk hyuk hyuk... ;)

    --Dan
     
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  13. sherpa23

    sherpa23 F1 Veteran
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    May 28, 2003
    9,502
    Colorado
    Full Name:
    Bastuna

    Tony, that's an oldie but goodie.
     

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