Joke.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


I thought that was quite funny.

 

Cheered me up. Pretty funny, thanks for posting.

 

nice one!!

any more..

 

I'm not really a joke teller, I received this one through an email.

 

Haha, that was good.

 

Here's one:


A husband and wife are in the hospital, delivering their new baby. After a few hours of labour, the baby is finally born, and the doctor hands the newborn to the proud father.

The father takes a look at his new baby and says;

"Damn!!! that is one ugly baby!! How the heck did this happen??!?"

He looks over to his wife, and asks her; "Honey....I don't understand, our son is tall and handsome, and our other daughter is gorgeous, how can this one be so butt-ugly?........Did you have an affair???"

The wife answers......"No dear...... not this time."

 

That was in bad taste, as that is most likely a true story for half of the FChat members.

 

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you killed my waiter and walked away without saying a word. I don’t understand.”

The panda says, “Look it up in the dictionary,” and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading “Panda”. It reads:

“Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.”

 

haha... great. some more?

 

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago?”, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked “No, I don’t waste time shopping?”, the homeless woman said.

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked. “Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s Okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, No”, he replies.

Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused.

Is there anything I can do?

“Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”

 

3 police officers were having coffee together.

'when my wife was pregnant, she was reading Double Trouble 24 hours before she delivered our twins,' said the 1st officer proudly.

'well, when my wife was pregnant, she was reading Goldlilocks & the 3 bears 24 hours before she delivered our triplets!' said the 2nd officer.

the 3rd meanwhile, left his coffee mug, ran towards the exit of his office.

'hey where ur goin Bob?' shouted the 1st officer.

'My wife was reading Ali Baba & the 40 thieves when i left for work today..and she's pregnant, and due anytime,' answered Bob.