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Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Dec 20, 2003.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,279
    With Stu
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    St Mark
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, Love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman." "My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

    She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"

    ________________________________________________

    DL
     
  2. detailman

    detailman Formula Junior

    May 26, 2002
    307
    Indiana & South Caro
    Full Name:
    David
    Damn !! thats awful!
     
  3. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,617
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    LMAO...!!!
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Owner Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
    A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

    ---
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.
    "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
    Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
    He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.
    "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
    "Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
    She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
    "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
    "The son of a ***** called back!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
    Dear Ricky,
    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky
    The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
    Dear Becky,
    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
    Take Care,
    Ricky



    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"
    The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"
    The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"
    The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
    The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"
    The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!"
    The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
    The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
    The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."
    The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"
    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
    A. A cherry float.

    Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
    A. BEAT IT - we're closed.

    Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
    A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

    Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
    A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

    Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
    A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

    Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
    A. Dill-dough.

    Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
    A. You can sleep with a light on.

    Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
    A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
     
  5. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,279
    With Stu
    Full Name:
    St Mark
    As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying,
    "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
    But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

    _________________________________________

    Tony,
    Is it me, or do you also feel as though are you and I the only ones around here with a sense of humor?

    DL
     
  6. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,617
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    ROTFLMAO...!!!
     
  7. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Owner Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    DL,
    just you ,me and DES ! At least he has the grace to laugh at our efforts!!
    Tony
     
  8. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,279
    With Stu
    Full Name:
    St Mark
    Well look who's awake!!

    DL
     
  9. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,617
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
  10. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    42,200
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
    *Ahem*

    A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

    They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

    The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

    One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

    The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

    The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

    The same two guys walk by.

    The first asks, "Do you know him?"

    The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."
     
  11. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    42,200
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
    A blind snowman got a stocking with 2 lumps of coal for Christmas.
    He stuck the coal on his face and shouted, "I can see! I can see!"
     

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