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Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by Fan512bbi, Jan 15, 2005.

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  1. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Steve.
    #2476 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
    "What was that?" The others asked her.
    "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
    "What was that?" the others asked.
    "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
    They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
    "What was that?" the others asked her.
    "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"
     
  2. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2477 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
    After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
    The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
    "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
     
  3. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2478 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
    Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
    She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
    She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
    She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
    "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
    Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
    Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
    The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
    :eek:
     
  4. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2479 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
    She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
    He says "well, pu*sy and bi*ch".
    She says "Oh That's no big deal, pu*sy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bi*ch is a female dog like our Sandy."
    He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
    Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
    He tells him...pu*sy and bi*ch.
    Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pu*sy."
    "OK dad, so what's a bi*ch?"
    "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
     
  5. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2480 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
    Alas, she finally croaked.
    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
    In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
    Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
    The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."
     
  6. MikeZ_NJ

    MikeZ_NJ Formula 3

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    #2481 MikeZ_NJ, Sep 19, 2006
    Arrrrr, in honor o' today bein' th' International Talk Like Pirate Day, here be 3 jokes I stole from Slashdot:

    1. Pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "hey, that's really cool: where did you get it?" The parrot says, "from a pirate ship, of course."

    2. Pirate walks into a bar with a hook hand and an eyepatch. Bartender says "that's rough, man: what happened?" Pirate holds up his arm and says "arrr, swordfight." The bartender nods and asks about the eyepatch. Pirate says, "a gull shat in it." The bartender blinks and says "you wouldn't lose an eye from that, would you?" The pirate sighs and says "you would if it's your first day with a hook hand."

    3. Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his shorts, and says, "arr, bartender, bring me a flagion of rum!" The bartender says, "sure, pal, but what's with the steering wheel?" The pirate growls, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."
     
  7. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2482 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    LMAO :D
     
  8. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2483 Fan512bbi, Sep 19, 2006
    A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
    "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
    "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.
    So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
    She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
    When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
     
  9. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2484 Fan512bbi, Sep 20, 2006
    Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?





    A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
     
  10. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2485 Fan512bbi, Sep 20, 2006
    A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
    Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
    Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
     
  11. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2486 Fan512bbi, Sep 20, 2006
    Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?





    A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
     
  12. ferraripanoz

    ferraripanoz Formula 3
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    #2487 ferraripanoz, Sep 20, 2006
    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude
    was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
    hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
    room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three
    people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
    every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
    antique pocket watch from his coat.

    "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
    special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to
    swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
    the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface.
    Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
    it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
    into a hundred pieces.

    "****!" said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the senior center.
     
  13. JAM1

    JAM1 F1 Veteran
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    #2488 JAM1, Sep 25, 2006
    A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The
    trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general
    began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
    uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
    that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
    they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

    "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're
    called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
    back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment
    later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

    "No, sir," th e cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement
    to call y'all a horse's ass."

    "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard
    to fool them flies though."
     
  14. smoney

    smoney Karting

    Jul 24, 2004
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    #2489 smoney, Sep 27, 2006
    did you hear about the waitress with one leg???-she works at" I.H.O.P."!!!
     
  15. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    #2490 PAP 348, Sep 27, 2006

    .......:rolleyes:
    That is almost as bad as this joke-

    2 peanuts were walking in a park........one was a salted. :D:D
     
  16. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

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    #2491 Remy Zero, Sep 28, 2006
    bloody good one steve! :D



    The boss of a big company needed to call one of
    his employees about an
    >urgent problem with one of the main computers,
    he
    dialed the employee's
    >home phone number and was greeted with a
    child's
    whisper..!!
    >
    >"Hello."
    >
    >"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
    >
    >"Yes," whispered the small voice.
    >
    >"May I talk with him?"
    >
    >The child whispered, "No."
    >
    >Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the
    boss asked, "Is your
    >Mommy there?"
    >
    >"Yes." the child whispered.
    >
    >"May I talk with her?"
    >
    >Again the small voice whispered, "No."
    >
    >Hoping there was somebody with whom he could
    leave a message, the boss
    >asked, "Is anybody else there?"
    >
    >"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
    >
    >Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
    employee's home, the boss asked,
    >"May I speak with the policeman?"
    >
    >"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
    >
    >"Busy doing what?"
    >
    >"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
    came the whispered answer.
    >
    >Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
    what sounded like a
    >helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the
    boss asked, "What is that
    >noise?"
    >
    >"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
    >
    >"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now
    alarmed.
    >
    >In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
    "The search team just
    >landed the hello-copper."
    >
    >Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a
    little frustrated the boss
    >asked, "What are they searching for?"
    >
    >Still whispering, the young voice replied along
    with a muffled giggle:
    >
    >"ME."!!
     
  17. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2492 Fan512bbi, Oct 1, 2006
    :D

    A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
    Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
    While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
    So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
    The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
    "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
    The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
    "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
     
  18. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2493 Fan512bbi, Oct 1, 2006
    A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away).
    "Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked.
    "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded.
    He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home.
    The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food.
    The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it."
    "That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face.
    "Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."
     
  19. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #2494 Fan512bbi, Oct 1, 2006
    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
    This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
    Only the state of Montana was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
     
  20. fiorano94

    fiorano94 F1 Veteran

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    #2495 fiorano94, Oct 1, 2006
    Bumper stickers
    I love animals, they taste great.

    EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest!

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
     
  21. fiorano94

    fiorano94 F1 Veteran

    May 26, 2006
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    #2496 fiorano94, Oct 1, 2006
    A collection of insults!




    If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

    If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

    Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

    Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

    I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

    I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

    They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

    You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

    People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

    You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

    I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

    If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
     
  22. fiorano94

    fiorano94 F1 Veteran

    May 26, 2006
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    #2497 fiorano94, Oct 1, 2006
    Bumper stickers
    My karma ran over your dogma.

    I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

    A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

    I'm not driving fast-just flying low.

    Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

    My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

    Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

    "I is a college student."

    If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
     
  23. fiorano94

    fiorano94 F1 Veteran

    May 26, 2006
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    #2498 fiorano94, Oct 1, 2006
    Bumper stickers






    "All generalizations are false."

    "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

    Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

    "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

    "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

    "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

    "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

    "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

    "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

    "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
     
  24. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
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    #2499 Remy Zero, Oct 1, 2006
    Good stuff guys! steve..LMAO!!
     
  25. Modenafan

    Modenafan F1 World Champ
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    Dec 19, 2004
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    #2500 Modenafan, Oct 3, 2006
    SMART ASS ANSWER #6

    It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
    "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
    "What are my choices?" John asked.
    "Yes or no," she replied.

    SMART ASS ANSWER #5

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

    SMART ASS ANSWER #4

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

    SMART ASS ANSWER #3

    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

    SMART ASS ANSWER # 2

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
    reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
    Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

    SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
     
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