Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"
Marriage Bliss Wife: Honey..... What are you looking for? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?? Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date. ____________________________________________________________________ Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no. _____________________________________________________________________ Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" ____________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. ____________________________________________________________________ Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady. Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. _____________________________________________________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE" __________________________________________________________________ Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." ____________________________________________________________________ Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: Thanks for the early warning. _____________________________________________________________________ A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.
Rodney Dangerfield -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ... But he pulled through. I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
A chip company reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women frequently complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... "Cleanup, register 5!"
A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws an even more HUGE crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
Maybe it's old but worth repeating: What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? . . . You can negotiate with a terrorist! Happy new Year everybody, especially those of you in Wales!
Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, *********!"
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins? The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. "Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?" "Steve''s wife gave it to me!" "What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, What the hell are you doing? I'm wearing my love dress, responds the daughter-in-law, We haven't made love in a long time. So the mother-in-law says, Hm, maybe I should try that. She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, What the fcku are you doing? I'm wearing my love dress, says the wife. Well, responds the husband, it needs to be ironed
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bi!tch, iron this."
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
3 Armed and masked men, an American, Italian and Canadian together rob a bank. As they run down the street, the police are quickly chasing them from behind. The 3 decide to run into a nearby storage warehouse, filled with boxes and crates, trying to hide from the police... The American jumps inside a box marked "DOGS" The Italian jumps inside a box marked "CATS" And the Canadian jumps inside a box marked "POTATOES" The police break in the warehouse with guns drawn, and start searching. The cop kicks the box marked "DOGS" The American hiding inside, barks like a dog "WOOF, WOOF, WOOF..." and the cop continues on to the box marked "CATS" The Italian inside purrs like a cat, "MEOW, MEOW, MEOW..." and the cop continues on to the last box marked "POTATOES" where the Canadian is hiding.. He quickly shouts "POOOTAAAAAATOOE"...
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards." New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis . New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
A coworker emailed me this. The CIA has an opening for an assassin. After all the back ground checks, interviews and testing was done, there were three finalist....two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstance.. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!! The man said "you cannot be serious. I could never shoot my wife" The agent said,"Then you're not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said ."You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the gun and given the same instructions, to kill her husband....She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This damn gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
A golfer come home from a round and had a huge argument with his wife ..he snapped and killed her ..Realising what he had done he rang the police and confessed. The police turned up at his house The Golfer let the detective in and said I have done a terrible thing The detective spotted his golf clubs in the hallway and said do you play golf The man said never mind that Ive just killed my wife The Detective replied ok .what shafts do you play with The Man said Stiff shafts .but did you not hear me Ive stabbed by wife in the kitchen The Detective carried on Whats youre handicap The Man replied again 6 do you not care Ive just killed the wife The Detective replied I play off 10, we must have a game some day .anyway lets go and have a look in the kitchen Blood was everywhere and the Mans wife laying on the kitchen table with a knife in her chest. The Detective said My god why did you do this The Man replied we had a big disagreement about how golf is more important than our marriage and I just snapped The Detective replied yea but look at the state of her how many times did you stab her The man held his head in shame and said 8 The detective replied Ill put you down for a 4 .
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how can I make 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
AMISH VIRUS: You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files. Thank thee.
