I heard the same joke but with Canadians. The punch line was so they could both watch the hockey game.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
im sure its a repost but. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off
Blonde in a Boat. There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ********************************************** FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary ; with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver; waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.
Men need to know things terms This is to help men out and to give women a really good laugh! 1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you Have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1). 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you - do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "%@&* YOU!" 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says. "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies. "Head Cleaner," Mary replies
A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an itchy p*ssy." He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them Japanese cars look the same to me."
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a city suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "Why should she care how I cut the lawn." (power mower)
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign...and somebody was standing in front of the S!..."
HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't no, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY: Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around." "Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!" "But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leaped into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mineshaft in front of them! The man replied, 'Oh no. That couldn't be MY goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.'
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George." A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George." "Lady," he declared, "Im George!"
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen!" he says. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." So Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Reen was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, aLi what is your problem? aLi answered, Im too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and Im smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Reen had enough. She took aLi to the principals office. While aLi waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Reen he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. aLi was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: What is 3 x 3? aLi: 9#8243;. Principal: What is 6 x 6? aLi: 36#8243;. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Reen and tells her, I think aLi can go to the third-grade. Ms Reen says to the principal, Let me ask him some questions? The principal and aLi both agree. Ms Reen asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? aLi, after a moment: Legs. Ms Reen: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? aLi: Pockets. Ms Reen: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? aLi: Coconut Ms Reen: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But aLi was taking charge. aLi: Bubblegum Ms Reen: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer aLi: Shake hands. Ms Reen: Now I will ask some Who am I sort of questions, okay? Ms Reen: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. aLi: Tent. Ms Reen: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. aLi: Wedding Ring. Ms Reen: I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. aLi: Nose. Ms Reen: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. aLi: Arrow. Ms Reen: What word starts with and F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement? aLi: Fire truck. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, Send aLi to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
How smart are you? Try this IF 1 = 5 2 = 25 3 = 125 4 = 625 5 = ? Scroll down for Answer The answer is 1 Remember the first line? 1=5 ? Are you thinking too much?
One mans hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to the weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. What terrible weather today honey, he said to her. Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, What starting salary were you thinking about? The Engineer said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette? The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding? The interviewer replied, Yeah, but you started it.
