IN PRISON You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle. IN PRISON You get three meals a day. AT WORK You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself IN PRISON You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON You get your own toilet. AT WORK You have to share IN PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK They are called supervisors. IN PRISON You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK You get fired if you get caught
How was your golf game, dear? asked Jacks wife Tracy. Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesights gotten so bad I couldnt see where the ball went. But youre seventy-five years old, Jack! admonished his wife, Why dont you take my brother Scott along? But hes eighty-five and doesnt even play golf anymore, protested Jack. But hes got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball, Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. Do you see it? asked Jack. Yup, Scott answered. Well, where is it? yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. I forgot.
As narrated from a friend The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?A death. Whats that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when youre too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. You work forty years until youre young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school. You become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby. You go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating . you finish off as an orgasm
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you bring? The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail Then he asked the first, What did you bring? The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games. The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did you bring? The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said I brought these. The other two were puzzled and asked - What can you do with those? He grinned, pointed to the box, and said - Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating .
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy The new law was, that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really awful day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12.01p.m., the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, said to the man, Before I can let you in, you have to tell me what was happening in your life the day on which you died. No problem the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment during my lunch hour and found my wife half-naked. I thought she was having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. Immediately, I began searching for him. My wife was shouting at me as I searched the apartment. Just as I was going to give up the search, I looked out onto the balcony and saw that there was a man hanging over the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and jumped on his finger until he fell to the ground. But he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall, and he didnt die! I was so mad that I went back inside to fetch something that I could throw at him. Strangely, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. So I unplugged it, pushed it to the balcony and tipped it over the side. It fell the 25 storeys and crushed the man. Unfortunately all this excitement was too much and I had a heart attack and died instantly!! The Angel sat and thought for a moment. Technically, the man did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So he announced Okay, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and let him in. A few seconds later the next person came up. The Angel said, Before I can let you enter I need to know what was happening to you on the day you died. No problem said the second man. But you are not going to believe this!! I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure, so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I think that I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But suddenly this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, swears at me, and jumps on my fingers!. Well, I fell and just before I hit the ground, I landed in some trees or bushes which broke my fall. But I didnt die immediately. As I am lying there, looking up, unable to move, and in great pain, I notice the crazy man push his REFRIGERATOR off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me - killing me instantly! The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. I think I like this new policy he says to himself. Okay, say the Angel to the second man. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gates. The Angel says Please tell me how you died. The third man says You will never believe this. I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator
The story goes that there was this lady married to a Caucasian. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didnt know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didnt know what to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store [please page down ] Question: What were U thinking ? Answer: HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband can speak English
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, thats terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: Whats going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son? The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Staff Notice With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated. The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employees toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employees voice until the first of the month. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counselling by a clinical psychologist. Be advised that workmens compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser. MANAGEMENT
The World's Shortest Books: FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac ______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore ________________________________________ MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno _________________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton _______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton _________________________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton ___________________________________ MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden ___________________________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman __________________________________ THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry _______________________________________ AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC ___________________________________ A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian __________________________________ ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel ____________________________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy ___________________________________ MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time For a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing ?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times". The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Dr. to discuss the problem. The Dr. told him there was a simple informal test the husband could do, to give the Dr. a better idea about her hearing loss. The Dr. said ... "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational voice see if she hears you. If not, go to 30, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response." That evening, his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He decides he's about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens. In a normal tone he asks ... "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. He moves to within 30 feet. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he's about 20 feet from his wife .. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. He walks to the kitchen door, about 10 feet, and asks ... "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. He walks into the kitchen and stands right behind her ,,. "Honey, what's for dinner?" (I just love this ...) "Earl, for the 5th. time, CHICKEN!"
HOW TO MAKE LOVE Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. 4 Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in And out until well creamed. For best results. Continue To knead milk containers. 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl And cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT Overnight). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana Does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing Bowls. Notes: 1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils Carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town.
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a ****?"
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?" "Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
A Russian, Cuban, American and Mexican are on a boat in the middle of the ocean. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka, takes a long swig and throws it into the ocean. The american says, "what did you do that for?" The russian replied, "In my country we have many bottles of vodka!" Confused the american looks at the Cuban as he takes out a cigar, takes a couple of puffs and then throws it in the ocean. Once again in shock the American says "what the hell did you do that for?" The Cuban replies, "In my country we have plenty of cigars!" The American throws the Mexican out of the boat........
Understanding Engineers - Take One: Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers - Take Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers - Take Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets Understanding Engineers - Take Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers - Take Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers - Take Seven Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000. and watches to see what they do with money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tell him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
OK, this one is long but funny...... The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docu-drama about famous composers... starring several familiar Hollywood faces. Stallone, Swarzeneggar, and Van Damme were present. The producer really desired the box office "oomph" of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select which famous composer they would portray. "Well," Stallone said, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producer was pleased. "That sounds splendid. But who do you want to be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Japan recently sent the American people 50,000,000 cases of Viagra... They heard that the entire country can't get an election straight ...
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He let the florist know in no uncertain terms how angry he was about the obvious mistake. The florist wisely diffused the man's anger when she calmly said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but just imagine this ... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"
