A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon... all he wants is anal sex and my as*hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel." Her mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman... you live in an 8 bedroom mansion ... you drive a Ferrari ... you get $2000 a week allowance... you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents!!!!!!!!!?"
A wife disappeared and her husband was worried that she might have been kidnapped. But, two days later, there she was, in their kitchen. "Honey! You're back!" exclaimed her delighted husband. "Where have you been? Are you okay?" "Four men kidnapped me and had wild continuous sex with me for a week," she replied. Confused, her husband asked, "What do you mean 'for a week'? You've only been gone two days?" She replied as she headed for the door, "Oh, I just dropped by to get some beer!"
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. He arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, baseball bat, shot gun and mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab it by his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of my van." He hands the shot gun to the homeowner. What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG !!
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason." Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." " Al right", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
George Bush stepped out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he saw: " President Bush Sucks" ...written in urine across the snow. Well, Bush was really angry... He stormed into his security staff's headquarters and yelled, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-b!tch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?" The security guys remained silent and stared ashamedly at the floor. George hollered, "Well, dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him and said, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Bush said, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer said, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Dick Cheney's urine." Bush said, "Oh my gawd, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replied, "Well, it's your wife's handwriting..."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied " YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??' 'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
A screwdriver walks into a bar and takes a seat up by the bartender. The bartender looks up at him with a puzzled look on his face. He leans closer to the screwdriver and says, "Hey buddy - do you know we got a drink named after you in here?" Suprised, the screwdriver looks up at the bartender and responds, "You got a drink named Jeffrey?"
Aletter from a Mother to her son Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved. Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since. Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt. Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out. I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes. Your loving Mother XXXX
A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My Mother in law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Wow I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked, too!!! The b*tch !!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" he asked impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
A Lesson To Be Learned From Typing The Wrong Email Address. A Minneapolis Couple Decided To Go To Florida To Thaw Out During A Particularly Icy Winter. They Planned To Stay At The Same Hotel Where They Spent Their Honeymoon 20 Years Earlier. Because Of Hectic Schedules, It Was Difficult To Coordinate Their Travel Schedules. So, The Husband Left Minnesota And Flew To Florida On Thursday,with His Wife Flying Down The Following Day. The Husband Checked Into The Hotel. There Was A Computer In His Room, So He Decided To Send An Email To His Wife. However, He Accidentally Left Out One Letter In Her Email Address, And Without Realizing His Error, Sent The Email. Meanwhile, Somewhere In Houston , A Widow Had Just Returned Home From Her Husband's Funeral. He Was A Minister Who Was Called Home To Glory Following A Heart Attack. The Widow Decided To Check Her Email Expecting Messages From Relatives And Friends. After Reading The First Message, She Screamed And Fainted. The Widow's Son Rushed Into The Room, Found His Mother On The Floor, And Saw The Computer Screen Which Read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16th 2004 I Know You're Surprised To Hear From Me. They Have Computers Here Now And You Are Allowed To Send Emails To Your Loved Ones. I've Just Arrived And Have Been Checked In. I See That Everything Has Been Prepared For Your Arrival Tomorrow. Looking Forward To Seeing You Then. Hope Your Journey Is As Uneventful As Mine Was. P.s. Sure Is Freaking Hot Down Here!!!!!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,Sir !!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....... (scroll down) Are My Test Results back
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Darrel the computer guy, to come over. Darrel clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?" Darrel grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down I D 1 0 T
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "sh*t" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
There's this man who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything. The man replied, "I don't drink anymore... Last night, I blew chunks." "Oh that's nothing", the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!" "No, No", the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog!
Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?" She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest. Agian, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater." The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M". He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?" "No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"
Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it?????", The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds?"
An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife. She says, "Well what was that for?" He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!" She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband. He says, "Well what was that for?" She says, "That's for knowing the difference!
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog. He says, "Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!" His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside, "You'd better pet him first....he looks vicious"
