Joke.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

 

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was fuc*ing Goofy!

 

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"

 

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

 

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

 

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

Suddenly it all happened,
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!

The Moral Of This Story Is ...

Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pus*y gets wet

 

There is this girl with no arm and no legs sitting on the beach. A guy walked by and she started crying. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been kissed before so the guy kisses her. She starts crying again. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been screwed before. So the guy picked her up and threw her in the water and said now your screwed.

 

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

 

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

 

There was a rich guy who had to go on a business trip, so he brought his wife and his three butlers. While at the hotel, he got a call to go to a meeting. Before he went, he stuck a razor up his wifes pus*y so he can tell if the butlers tried to sleep with her. When he got back, he told the first butler to pull down his pants. The butler's penis fell off. The same thing happened with the second butler. Then he told the third butler to pull down his pants, but his penis did not fall off. The rich man was shocked, so he asked the butler how he resisted the temptation. The butler tried to answer, but for some reason his tounge was slashed and bloody.

 

It's about 2 o'clock ,and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock.. well there's a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if he would like to go home with her.. the panda bear looks her over and says sure.. so they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, the woman then explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it up in WEBSTER's ... they look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.

 

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

 

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"

"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

 

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

 

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

 

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. Why is Popeye's johnson so soft and smooth?
A. He keeps it in Olive Oyl.

Q. What's the difference between Simba and OJ Simpson?
A. One is an African lion and the other is a lion African!

Q. What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?
A. Tiger Woods had a better driver!

Q: Why can't you smoke weed in Iraq?
A: Because there is no piece in the middle east!

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the seeing dog.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A. A dictator

Q. What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A. A dildo

 

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

 

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”

 

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"

 

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

 

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

 

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"