Voted Best Joke in Australia Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs.
A man was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13' ! The fence was too high to see over, but he saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked him in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14' !
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
Long time with no new jokes on this thread, so: My Dad who is 80 was headed downtown for a doctor appointment when I heard on the news a car was travelling the wrong way on the freeway. So, I called my dad on his cell phone and warned "Dad be careful I heard there is a car travelling the wrong way on the freeway" He said "A car...heck there are hundreds of them!"
A foot and a penis were talking one day............ The foot says "My life sucks, my owner makes me walk around all day in a stinking sock and shoe ..... it's horrible" Then the penis says "Oh yeah, my owner has me wear a raincoat then sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push ups until I throw up!"
So yesterday I was checking into the motel 6. I asked the female clerk if the porno channel in my room was disabled. She said "no, it's just regular porn, you sick S.O.B."
Gennaro will be in Florence for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his Bocelli shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her: 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance...after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.' Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, again, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having had 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the vicar prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,'Lord, they're finally together.' One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?' The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Tarzan & Sex When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Little boy goes up to his mum and asks: Mum is it a bad thing to have a penis? She said: "Of course not Johnny, why would you think such a thing?" Johnny: "because dad is in the bathroom, sweating like crazy, trying to pull his off"
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns.... Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors 'daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila **************************************** ****************** Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Walter
While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
