What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream. A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.
The Geography of Men and Women The Geography of a Woman Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really). After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. The Geography of a Man Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by ******.
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?" The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure. The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands IRELAND Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it? FRANCE Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Arent the French just Germans who can make sauces? ITALY Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-Os! POLAND Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? GERMANY Is this bratwurst kosher? TURKEY Wheres the hash at? Its cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? KOREA Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him? CHINA This wall isnt so great. ENGLAND Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick? SWEDEN Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke? YEMEN Yemen? Thats a stupid name for a country. Whats it mean -- Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ? INDIA You dont live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here? ETHIOPIA After a long day of travel, Im famished. Hey those flies sure love your pregnant son! CANADA Youre like Americans without money. SPAIN So, this is the country thats not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? SOUTH AFRICA I liked it better the other way. MEXICO What's that smell? SAUDI ARABIA Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what? RUSSIA Is it always this cold and economically devastated? UZBEKISTAN Can you spell Uzbekistan? GREECE I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy." AFGHANISTAN Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? JAPAN Whats Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? AUSTRALIA How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure? AMERICA Was John Wayne gay?
Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed, first-ever topless scene in Dominic Sena's Swordfish. And Jay Leno got an unscheduled sneak peek when Berry guested on "The Tonight Show" shortly before the film's release... Thanks to her plunging neckline, Berry revealed rather more to her host than she had planned. "My problem is, I've never sat down in this dress," said a blushing Berry as she attempted to cover herself. Leno's impromptu reply? "My problem is... I can't stand up!"
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!" A joke from Ebaumsworld.com that made me laugh
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
-The Wisdom of a Navajo Man- A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table." The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds." The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped. The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Why God Created Man One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?" Well... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
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20 Ways to Let Someone Know Their Fly is Open 20. The cucumber has left the salad. 19. I can see the gun of Navarone. 18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17. You've got Windows on your laptop. 16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
