A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions: Officer: What's 2 + 2? Blonde: Ummm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen" The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
Little gay Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone? Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing". Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"
Q: What did the gay midget doctor say to his patient? A: "OK, now you're gonna feel a little prick." (Groan)
The Principal of an elementary school went into a kindergarten classroom with all the a pack of Life Savers and told the kids, "I am going to give you all the same flavor and if you can tell me what it is then you will all get a prize." He gave them all Honey, and didn't tell them what flavor it was. The kids ate them and no one knew what kind of flavor they were, so he said, "Here I will give you a clue, your mother might call your father this." Little Johnny stands on a chair and shouts, "Everyone spit them out, it's AS*HOLE flavored!"
A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang. Her husband, in the bathroom downstairs, yells for her to get the door. She throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. It was their Chinese neighbor, Way Hung. He says to the blonde, "If you drop your towel, I will give you $500, so she drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Way Hung gives her the money he owes her and leaves. The blonde closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Her husband asks her, "Who was that? The blonde replies, "Oh, that was our Chinese neighbor. I don't know what he wanted though. Her husband then asks, "Did he mention anything about the $500 he owes me?"
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says "Do we have time?"
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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Ten pounds," he replies. "Well have a representative over in the morning," says the operator. About 9 a.m., theres a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me. The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. Hes lost 10 pounds! That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds." "Well send someone over." The next morning, hes greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me. The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds hes lost 20 pounds! That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "Thats an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads If I catch you
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Why don't girls wear miniskirts during the winter? Because their lips could get chapped. (Groan they get worse)
A husband returns home from work one night to discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta. Youre alive! he cries. Where have you been all this time? These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week, she replies. But youve only been gone two days Yeah, Im just here to get something to eat.
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
LMAO Nice one Alex. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
Q: How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard? A: Your garbage can is empty and your dog is pregnant.
Q: What's the diffrence between a hooker and a drug dealer A: A drug dealer can't clean his crack and re-sell it!
Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"
Random Fact: Did you know that 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions? P.S. Just found a TON of jokes, Ill be postin a lot within the next hour....
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
