Joke.

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and fall asleep.

Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger

Tonto ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxys and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Tonto, you dumbass....someone has stolen our tent."

 

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to **** it as soon as I figure out how to get these pajammas off..."

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.

>AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your
friends ...you know you want to!

so here it is ...... YES I AM THAT SAD!!!!!!!

p.s. but I bet you also pass it on as well

 

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far
away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most?
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so
he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than man with his pants down.

 

> > Subject: FW: Useful insights for women - like they didn't know
> > already!
> >
> >
> >> BECAUSE I'M A MAN
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
> >> with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The AA
> >> is not an option. I will win.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
> > the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
> >> be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
> >> everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
> >> beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me
> > soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
> >> You never ever get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a
> >> problem. _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
> >> exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
> >> same thing.
> >> And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything
> >> for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys -
cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
> >> twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it
> >> back together.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
> >> whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
> >> about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
> > her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is
> > okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for
> >> my mother too.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
> >> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if
> > you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least
> > remember the name and recommend it to others.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
> >> what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
> >> of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your
> >> hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will
> >> share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
> >> cooking, the cleaning, the hoovering, and the dishes, and I'll do
> >> the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in
> >> the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
> >> _____________________________________________________
> >>
> >> This has been a public service message for Women to better
> >> understand the Male.