Joke.

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim X. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party on Acacia Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all sailors look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was on a ship berthed at Norfolk.

08. Peter X is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney -
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby- after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the cubical door open.

PAY SLIP GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand
their pay slip:

Item Amount
Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax £244.40
Outgo tax £45.21
County tax £11.61
National tax £61.10
County tax £6.11
City tax £12.22
Rural tax £4.44
Back tax £1.11
Front tax £1.16
Side tax £1.61
Up tax £2.22
Down tax £1.11
Tic-Tacs £1.98
Thumbtacks £3.93
Carpet tacks £0.98
Show tax £0.69
Flat tax £8.32
Surtax £3.46
Corporate tax £2.60
Parking fee £5.00
S.A.Y.E £81.88
N.I. £9.95
Life insurance £5.85
Health insurance £16.23
Dental insurance £4.50
Mental insurance £4.33
Reassurance £0.11
Disability £2.50
Ability £0.25
Liability £3.41
Unreliability £10.99
Coffee £6.85
Coffee Cups £66.51
Floor rental £16.85
Chair rental £0.32
Desk rental £4.32
Union fees £5.85
Union don'ts £3.77
Cash advance £0.69
Cash retreats £121.35
Overtime £1.26
Greenwich Mean Time £54.83
Central European Time £9.00
Off Centre time £8.00
Mountain time £7.00
High time £6.00
Time Out £12.21
Oxygen £10.02
Water £16.54
Heat £51.42
Cool air £26.83
Hot air £20.00
Miscellaneous £113.29
Sundry £12.09
Various £8.01

Net Take Home Pay £0.02


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere

 

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1. * * *You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.
2. * * *You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and
wiggling your bottom while yelling "She Bangs She Bangs" is truly the hottest dance move around!!!
3. * * *You've suddenly decided that you want to fight someone and you
honestly believe that you could do it too.
4. * * *In your last trip to the toilet you realise you now look more
like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. * * *You drop your 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor, pick it up and carry on
eating it.
6. * * *You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.
7. * * *There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. * * *You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to
you.
9. * * *The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.
10. * * The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. * * Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so
you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotic.
12. * * You seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates
to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.
13. * * You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving
you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the
vodka.
14. * * You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor.
15. * * You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this
the WRONG WAY but..."
16. * * You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. * * You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. * * You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be
standing)
19. * * You begin leaving the buttons open on your button flypants to cut down
on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.
20. * * You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

 

Is that why its shut?

 

*******
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1.Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2.Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3.Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4.Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5.Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6.Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7.At the rowing medal ceremony:"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8.Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9.Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

Brilliant . LMAO

 

LOL!

 

Humpty dumpty sat on the bed,
little Bo peep was giving him Head.
As soon as he came,
she started to weep.
She knew by the taste
he'd been f**king her sheep.

 

Husband comes home with a Duck under his arm & declares
"This is the Pig I've been Sh*gging".
His Wife says "That's a Duck you stupid Tw*t".

He says "I was talking to the Duck".

 

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night........
After 3 hrs of absolutely amazing Sex, Paddy says....
" I wonder how the Women are getting on?"