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One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news." ''Well, give me the good news first.'' ''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.'' Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?'' ''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. In the inflatable corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him, pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again I hate school and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: Youve let me down; youve let the school down, but worst of all, youve let yourself down.
An elderly man, Willy, mimes driving a car as runs around the halls of a retirement home. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing. Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend." The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He caught Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.'' ''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove this steering wheel from my pants?'' The bartender says, ''Why is that there? Is it annoying?'' "Yes," the man said, ''it's driving me nuts."
Yeah, not bad steve. Its been a little bit hectic at work and pretty distracting. I promise to get back on track so you don't do all the stirling work. BTW its nice to see others joining in. Keep up the good work M8
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
At work this morning BEING A MAN 1. Being a Man is OK 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress £2000; Tux rental £100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 17. One mood, ALL the damn time. 18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. 19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. 20. You can open all your own jars. 21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack. 23. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices. 24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me." 28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. 30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. 32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 33. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. 35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. 36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 15 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes. 37. The world is your urinal. Ten things men know for sure about women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have breasts.
Andrew that was brilliant and very true. Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
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Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time. Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.
