I realize this isn't really a joke, but my friend thought this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I was pulled over while driving the Lamborguido. A female officer approached my drivers door and said the reason she had pulled me over was because my license light bulb was not working. I knew the reason she pulled me over was because she just wanted to run my license and registration to see if I had any warrants or such. I was pretty calm while she went back to her patrol car and we sat there about ten minutes before she returned. Well the big dyke looking cow hands me a ticket. I was stunned. I asked her how she could ascertain how long my bulb had been out as it is quite possible the bulb was working when I left the house. If that is a possibility, then how can she write a ticket? She responded that she didn't give a damn when it burned out as it was not working now. I mentioned that the lights were all functioning when I got a state inspection less than three weeks ago. Once again, she said she didn't care. I then asked why I couldn't receive a "warning ticket", since this was such a minor offence. She replied that she did not issue warning tickets. Her partner (a male) just shook his head and shrugged. Well, I told her she was being rather less than helpful to a citizen of her fair city. She replied that she didn't need to be helpful to someone that has broken the law. With that I snapped......I asked her how many tickets did she have to write before the department issued her a penis? Her partner burst out laughing, my friend stared at me in disbelief, and the stupid, fat assed dyke cop, just turned and waddled away. I still smile when I recall the look on her face. Of course, she still had the last laugh.....the damn ticket cost me $98.00.
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A woman and a baby were in the medical center's examining room, waiting for a doctor to come in for the baby's exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, along with a US Marine assigned to protect them, were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they were captured by terrorists. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in Iraq. Zarqawi said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot spicy chili." Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully. Zarqawi turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the a**," said the Marine. "What?" asked Zarqawi. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a**. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a**?" "What," replied the Marine, "and have you call me the aggressor?"
The 1 above by Wrecktech is really funny but sadly also true. Dating vs. Marriage When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason. When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first. When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy." When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is. When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood." When you are married ....He says "It's your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends. When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away. When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things. When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating..... He calls you by name. When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
A young boy caught sight of his mother changing one day, and asked her what that was that she had between her legs. "That is something you're never going to talk about again. And you shouldn't touch it either, because it has teeth." Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared. One day, however, he met the love of his life and, in time, they got married. On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there. "No," he said, "it's got teeth." "Silly goose!" she said. She spread her legs wide for him to see. "See? No teeth!" "Well, I'm not surprised," the man said."Not with gums like that."
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you." While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened. "How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said You must be a good dentist. He replied, How did you know I'm a dentist. She said, I didn't feel a thing.
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.
Don't Say This During Sex But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? You mean you're NOT my blind date?
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?'' She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. "Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said.........."Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-out love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are YOU with?
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Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die. Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, I don't care if I die, I need a drink. The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead. Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.
There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his big muscles and repeating, Ten tons of dynamite, ten tons of dynamite, while eyeing the females around. One young lady was impressed and, with the intention of giving him a try, entered the tent with him. She was out in a moment saying Huh, ten tons of dynamite, with half an inch of fuse?
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. 2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." 3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter. 5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a good laugh.
