JonP those were great One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it. "Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad. "But what about the 10,000 dollars?" "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas. "Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women. "No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks how he knew their identities. "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."
Sister Mary and Sister Theresa are walking through the park. 2 thugs jump out of the bushes, throw them down and start having their way with them. Sister Mary looks up to the Heavens and says, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does." Sister Theresa looks over at Sister Mary and says, "Mine does!!!"
A blonde, brunette and red haired line up for the 50m breast stoke finals. The brunette wins in a sharp time of 1m 24 sec immediately followed by the red haired, but the blonde arrives only after a mere 3 hours. After climbing out the pool, she explains: "I don't want to tell tales on someone, but others used their hands!"
Nice one , talking of blondes. A man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'"
A women was pregnant with triplets. While she was at the store one day the place got robbed. The robber had a gun and shot the woman three times. The woman and all 3 babies(2 girls and a boy) were ok and she went on to have a healthy delivery. About 12-13 years later one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mommy, Mommy, guess what." And the mom says, "What?" and the daughter says, "I peed out a bullet." And the mom is amazed. Later that day the womans other daughter comes up to her and says, "Mommy, Mommy, guess what." And the mom says, "What?" and the daughter says, "I peed out a bullet." And the mom says, "WOW!". Later that day the womans son comes up to her and says, "Mommy, Mommy, guess what." And the mom says, "Let me guess, you peed out a bullet." And the son says, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog."
I had a kidney stone once ... and when I went for the opperation to remove it, well, er, it had gone missing. Guess it is just as well I didn't have a dog Pete
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here,and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down."Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. "Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?" "We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise" "Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you the Peking Duck"
Childhood Sunday school.... A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Little TonyH raised his hand and said: "I think it's your hands!" "Why do you think it's your hands, Tony?" Tony replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Kevan raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your legs!" The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Kevan, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Kevan said: "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, said the genie. As a reward I shall grant you one wish. Well, said the Prince, I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me? the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like? The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. But now I love this woman called Camilla, and he showed the genie the second photo. You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana? The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, Let's have a look at that dog again.
LMAO One of the best so far Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy. Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them." Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have." Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza." Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears. Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.
This is the joke I have on my bumper sticker, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE YOUR NECK THREW UP. Aint that a good insult?
I believe that FERRARI is his family name, and IN THE TOILET is his given name. You all know where I'm going with this one?
Alfie was not feeling too well and decided to visit his local Doctor. On this day, his regular male Doctor was not there - instead there was a female Doctor on duty that day in his place. The lady Doctor consulted Alfie who said he was feeling rather strange to the touch. The female Doctor commenced her examination of Alfie. She said, "Whenever I touch you I want you to say 99". She commenced to feel Alfie's neck. "Say 99" she said to which Alfie responded "99". She then felt his chest. Same deal - say 99 and Alfie responded. Pretty soon she had worked her way down to his lower body area and suddenly grabbed hold of his Penis. Say 99 said the female Doctor to which Alfie responded, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8....................
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. It's free, Peter replied, this is Heaven. Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free. Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago! Good & bad news An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. Hard of hearing Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, Windy, ain't it? No, the second man replied, It's Thursday. And the third man chimed in, So am I. Let's have a coke. Movies changed For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents. Well, sir, the attendant replied with a grin, You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.
