A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun. This is a stickup! He yells. Put all your dough in a bag! Dont shoot, pleads the barkeep. Ill do whatever you say! The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartenders head and says, All right, now give me a blow job! Anything! cries the bartender. Just dont shoot! The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun. The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. Hold the gun, dammit, he says. One of my friends might walk in!
A beautiful, voluptuous woman comes in to see the gynecologist.he immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct,"he says . He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," he replies. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students....little Steve. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Steve, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," little Steve replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With who?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Steve," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," little Steve said reassuringly, "You don't have to worry about a child....I'll use a rubber!"
1. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. 2. Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when a woman gets undressed? 3. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
A man who was charged in the Murder of his wife, bribed one of the jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the Murder charge being brought by the state of Alabama would carry the Death Penalty. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: Manslaughter! Later, as the man paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
Right in the middle of lovemaking, a man dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow, that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the husbands' ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
So anyway, the plane is going down and the pilot has announced this as a fact. 'I suggest you take this time to tidy-up any unfinished personal business...God Bless us all' are the pilot's last words. Cell phones are on, Nuns are praying, mothers are holding babies and crying, some read the bible, some have organized a commando raid on the drinks trolley..all the usual end of the world stuff. Suddenly a vision arrives - through the first class curtains. She is absolutely stunning, beyond magazine class - drop-dead gorgeous doesn't do her justice. 'Would someone here please make me a real woman..I don't want to die a spinster' she cries. Phoning, praying, crying, reading, drinking continues. Nobody is paying too much attention to our friend in need. Finally a roughneck gets up from the steerage section and starts walking down the aisle, toward the front of the plane. He looks kinda big, kinda buffed, kinda chiselled, kinda tanned, kinda taut, kinda wired a little too tight. She sees him coming, and she starts to melt. He's taking his shirt off as he makes his way to the front of the plane. He is kinda big, kinda buffed, kinda chiselled, kinda tanned, kinda taut, and he certainly is wired a little too tight. She is beyond melting now. He throws the shirt at her and says 'I'll need this ironed as well' Neil
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and Steve engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Steve: "Hello." WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Steve: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" Steve: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." Steve: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" Steve: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." Steve: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you! Steve: "Bye, I love you, too." Steve hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then Steve asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Subject: Useful insights for women - like they didn't know > > already! > > > > > >> BECAUSE I'M A MAN > >> > >> Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle > >> with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AA > >> is not an option. I will win. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop > > the > >> bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If > >> another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to > >> be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and > >> everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink > >> beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me > > soup > >> and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. > >> You never ever get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a > >> problem. _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries > >> at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find > >> exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the > >> same > > thing. > >> And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything > >> for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - > >> cumin > > is > >> a spice and not a bodily function) > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will > >> insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just > >> cost > > me > >> twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it > >> back together. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my > > hand > >> while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a > >> whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by > >> holding > > a > >> calculator)...applies to engineers mainly. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking > >> about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to > >> make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your > >> mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about > > her > >> any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is > > okay; > >> I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for > >> my mother too. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. > >> Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if > > you > >> are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least > > remember > >> the name and recommend it to others. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought > >> what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair > >> of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your > >> hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will > >> share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the > >> cooking, the cleaning, the hoovering, and the dishes, and I'll do > >> the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in > >> the garden with a > > beer > >> wondering what to do. > >> _____________________________________________________ > >> > >> This has been a public service message for Women to better > >> understand the Male
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."
Steve owns a Gas Station in L.A. ( lower Alabama ) and to drum up some business, decides to post a sign offering FREE SEX with Fill-Up. One day, NNO and Bruce pull in. NNO gets out, fills his tank and then inquires about the FREE SEX. "Pick a number between 1 and 10," says Steve, "And if you guess correctly, you win FREE SEX." NNO thinks for a moment, and then guesses 8. "No, but you were close," Steve says, "The number was 7. Sorry, no FREE SEX today. Maybe next time." As NNO and Bruce pull out of the Gas Station, NNO says to Bruce, "You know what? That game is rigged. I bet you he doesn't really ever give away FREE SEX." Bruce turns to NNO and says, "No, it's not rigged, my wife won twice just last week!"
