One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat. "Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."
A man had a very small penis, so he went to a witch to make it longer. She said, Go into the forest and ask the toad there to marry you, each time it says no, your penis will grow one inch. Happy, the man ran to the forest and started yelling, Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me? The frog, of course, replied, No, and the man's penis grew one inch. So he repeated this again, Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me? The frog yelled back, NO! After a couple times more, the frog was getting mad, but the man decided one more time and one more inch wouldn't hurt, so he yelled again, Froggie, Froggie, will you marry me? And the exasperated frog said, I've told you once and I've told you a million times, no!
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared." So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, Sam returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?" The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?" The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?? A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Some real folks with highly unfortunate names: http://profiles.asuindians.com/bios/m_basketball/dickey_nutt/ http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050427/325/fhdx7.html http://cornellbigred.collegesports.com/sports/w-softbl/mtt/blood_dick00.html http://www.sunysb.edu/harriman/harry1.htm http://www.eraprorealty.com/deniserectanus.htm http://www.southernmiss.com/sports/softball/coach/index.asp http://www.bbk.ac.uk/hca/staff/cocks.shtml http://www.space.com/news/max_faget_041010.html http://www.tambcd.edu/cedental/pedo03a.htm http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7711463/site/newsweek/ http://www.coloradohomes.com/AgentOffice/viewAgent.aspx?agentid=431255 http://www.iwu.edu/~iwunews/sports/mangina.html
Once during a vacation to Cape Cod with the family, we constantly heard a campaign add for a congressman, named DICK SWEAT. No lie,,, everytime my kids would break up.
Question: What is the definition of heaven? Answer: that is place where an Englishmen is the policeman, the French is the cook and everything is organised by a German. Question: What is the definition of hell? Answer: the same spot, but now the cook is English, the policeman is a German and everything is organised by a Frenchman.....
But the really funny thing is that the role of the German and Englishmen stay the same in all versions!
A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his sister in the closet. ''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks. ''I'm riding a bus,'' his sister replies. ''That's a ****i*g stupid thing to say!'' ''That's a ****i*g stupid thing to ask!''
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, hes perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. Son, theres been a bit of a mix-up, admits the surgeon. Im afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis. What! gasps the patient. You mean Ill never experience another erection? Oh, you might, the surgeon reassures him. Just not yours.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
Alex mate that was brilliant The bottom photo was taken at a local women drivers meeting Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
Courtesy of Benny Hill: A half dozen Hell's Angels come into a pub and start harassing around a little guy at the bar, pushing him around, pulling his hair, spilling his beer. The guy leaves. After having a laugh among themselves, one comes over to the barman and says, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" The barman replies, "He wasn't much of a driver, either: On his way out, he backed his truck over six motorbikes."
