A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!" He shines his flashlight around and finds no one. He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you." This time he shines the light to discover a parrot. He asks, "Was that you talking ?" The parrot answers "Yes." The burglar asks, "What is your name?" The parrot replies, "Clarence." The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hel d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... not only are you a great sh@g, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
Darth, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please." The next night Darth tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check." By the third night, Darth was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently. Mrs. Darth snapped back, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?" I think we all know the answer to that
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped . . . or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy." The other two ladies agree. The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!" The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week." Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives. The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!" The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
Hey, thank you CornellCars and Fan512bbi for the jokes I was getting some laughs from your posts the last couple of days. Keep it up!
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" " A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
Bruce was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, Bruce muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, Bruce managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" Bruce popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" Bruce whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
A papermill worker named Steve was really busy when he chopped off all ten fingers, he rushed to the hospital and was quickly seen by a doctor, the first question the doc asked was "where are your fingers?", Steve said that he did not fetch them, the doc told him that he was pretty stupid not to fetch his fingers as they could have been sewn back on, Steve not liking his attitude said "how the fu*k was i supposed to pick them up"
Steve and Kylie are lying in bed one night. Kylie is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and Steve turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As Steve is reading, he periodically reaches over to Kylie and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. Kylie gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that Steve is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping and playing with herself in front of him. Steve is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes and doing that? Kylie replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." Steve says, "No, not at all." Kylie asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and... 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and... 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Rob walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and Rob leaves. The next day, Rob returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and Rob leaves. The day after that, Rob walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at Rob, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!" Rob left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," Rob said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it," replied the blonde. "Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop. "No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's much better here."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely road, and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" he asks. The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here. I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me, I swerved to the left, and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me! Everywhere I looked a tree was right in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
