That exercise as knackered me.
Sorry about that M8 . Only called in to Office for quick break, back out to help the lads on commissioning a Job. looks like an all day stint C u later
A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Steve, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Steve, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Steve was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Steve showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Steve announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Steve said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Steve said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Steve stated "You've got to give me another week to Come up with the $500.00....."
NNO Bruce and Steve are sitting around at a bar. After a sip of his martini, NNO says, "Tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a Double cheesrburger and a new Enzo. I figure if she doesn't like the burger, at least she will like the car." After finishing his scotch, Bruce replies, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got the wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, at least she would like the trip." Steve takes a swig of his beer, and says, "Yeah? For my anniversary, I got Collette a T-shirt and a dildo. That way, if she didn't like the shirt, she could go fu*k herself."
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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Steve accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Steve upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Steve went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Steve courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Steve confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and Steve doesn't, Steve should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Steve showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Steve quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Steve come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Steve came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Steve left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by Collette and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Collette stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Steve asks his friend NNO, a ladies' man, how he satisfies women. "I just slam my penis on the dresser until it's numb, then I can go for hours," says NNO. That night Steve slams his penis on the dresser while Collette is in the bathroom. Collette calls out, "NNO, is that you?"
Steve sits down at the bar. The bartender notices Steve looking depressed and asks him why. "See that fence over there? I built it myself," Steve says. "But do they call me Steve the Fence Builder? No." "And those trees," Steve continues. "I planted them myself. Still no one calls me Steve the Tree Planter." Then Steve becomes silent and looks into his beer for a moment. Finally, he looks up at the bartender. "But you hump one goat.............."
Steve frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, he is presented with a toilet brush. ''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor. ''Why, it's a toilet brush.'' ''Ooh, I see,'' says Steve. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks him how the brush is working. ''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
A young redneck boy named Steve runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Steve was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man (La fun2) who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Steve took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man (La fun2) replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Steve asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man (La fun2) said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Steve asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man (La fun2). "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Steve asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man(La fun2). "Well," said Steve, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Collette." The homeless man (La fun2) was astounded. "Won't Collette be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Steve replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a mini to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your mondeo." The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A little while later, the two guys with the mondeo and the mini saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says. "That's cool." Says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
I thought the guy drove a lexus but what ever. So the pope is at a meeting and a man bursts into the room at which the pope and some of this friends are talking. He holds a suit case and says to the pope. If you change the verse of the our father from our daily bread to our daily chicken. KFC will pay you 100 million dollars. The pope says "no thanks for the offer though" so the buisness man storms out of the office. A month later the pope is in mexico and the business man storms up to the pope with his suitcase and says "if you change this line from give us our daily bread. to give us our daily chicken KFC will pay you 500 million dollars" again the pope diclines the offer and the business man storms away the pope is back again meeting with his friends when the business man comes up and says "this is my final offer, if you change the line from give us our daily bread to give us our daily chicken KFC will pay you 100 billion dollars" the pope thinks it over for a minute and says. Ok it shall be done. The pope and the business man sign on the dotted line and buisness man walks away. The pope turns to his collegues and says. " I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is is that we have 100 billion dollars to give to various charities. The bad news is is that we lost the wonder bread account" give us this day our daily ***BREAD***
the version i heard were the three guys were. Canadian, American, and british. The american comes back with the pineapples
Hey Dino, lighten up. This is not a thread for criticising on, this is purely to give people a laugh. With the internet readily available, there are hundreds, if not thousands of versions of the same jokes available,with a local variation on a theme always around. If you've already heard it,so what. Don't post stupid comments about it. Its not needed, it just brings the thread down. Just enjoy the posts for what they are, good,bad or indifferent. You made two posts both of which were critical of the original joke. At least me and Steve are trying. Glad to see you actually posted a joke on here though, its a start. ps if you filled in your profile it would help.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The *****!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
