Joke.

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "Oh..My!", he said, "where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

 

The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Ferrari; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

 

I thought it was because they saw me

 

The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

 

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

 

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms..
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

 

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper
The patrolman told him to get out of the truck and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fu*ked."

 

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.

 

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

 

LOL Nice.

 

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money
She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

 

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal
The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

 

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

 

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pus*y was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."

 

Doesnt everyone do this

 

One day there were two boys playing by a stream
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the customer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

 

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

 

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

 

Ancient China
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

 

Marriage is...
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.