There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
A lady died and is being prepared to go under by Jake. Jake is dressing and cleaning her when he sees a problem and tells his boss. He says, "Boss this lady's got a shrimp in her pussy." "What? let me see". He looks and says, "you dumbass that's her clit." Jake replies, "Oh, it tasted like shrimp."
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. 9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know. 8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does? 7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding. 6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming! 5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory. 4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you? 3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks! 2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on? 1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly. Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was. The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied." The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave. Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"
A Mothers teachings 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her. Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be. Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car." Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS >> > >> > A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite >> > chair, >> > turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring >> > me a beer before it >> > starts." >> > >> > She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. >> > When >> > he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another >> > beer. It's gonna start." >> > >> > This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. >> > When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's >> > gonna start any second." >> > >> > "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You >> > waltz in >> > here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to >> > me and then expect me to run around like your slave. >> > Don't you realize that I cook and clean >> > and wash and iron all day long?" >> > >> > The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started." >> >
