Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out." "Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible". The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I kraup like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson". "So am I... What suburb in Nelson?" "Wakatu" he replies. "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Leach Place" he replies. "This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?" He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. And Finally: An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Nerd humor: A hacker was sent to jail. His nerd friend e/mailed him a picture of a cake. The picture was e/mailed back, marked "file not found".
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" And she acts like she's sound asleep.
Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", No... not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St.. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. " You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."
When I die, I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did. I'd prefer not to die yelling and screaming......like the passengers in my grandfather's car.
Well, yes. It actually took me a while the first time I heard it. I've had people go "huh?" Its still a good one, though.
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say: "Red..........................cherry," "Yellow..... ................lemon," "Green.......................lime," "Orange.....................orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're *******s!"
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
A man is walking along a beach when he comes upon a lamp. Rubbing it, a genie comes out and says to the man, 'I'll give you one wish, it's been a long week. The man says, 'I've never been to Hawaii and I can't fly or go by boat because I get sick, could you build a road?' The genie can't believe the request and says, 'Do you have any idea the potential problems of getting a road built with all the waves, building permits, it's impossible, ask for something else.' The man thinks for a while and says, 'I've always wanted to understand what makes women tick, what goes on in their heads, can you give me the power of understanding women?' The genie responds, 'Do you want one lane or two?' ##### Another man is walking along a road, comes upon a lamp and a genie comes out and offers him 3 wishes, but his mother in law will get double. First, the man asks for a billion dollar. The genie gives it to him, but says that his mother in law just got 2 billion. Frustrated, he makes another wish and asks for 100,000 acres of beach front property in California. The genie does it and agian says that his mother in law now has 200,000 acres. The man curses and thinks about what his last wish should be. Finally he answers. 'Beat me half to death.'
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped. The boy replied, I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want". The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini". St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
