The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.
where's steve? While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50"
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
Vinnie goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced. The store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, Vinnie puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked! He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Vinnie gets disgusted and says, "Damn, I just paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!"
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pus*y. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. 'What's wrong dearest?' asked the confused husband.' Oh darling,' sobbed the wife, 'I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic magazine! What ever are we going to do?' 'Well,' replied the man, 'I guess a spanking is out of the question?'
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman ''Do you know what your as*hole does when you're having an orgasm?'' ''Sure'' she said. ''He's at home, taking care of the kids.
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This couple was worried about the size of their young son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor told them that the only thing he knew of that would correct this problem was for them to feed their son wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning the son came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it. He asked his mother what the big stack of toast was for. His mother replied, 'The top two slices are for you and the rest is for your Dad'.
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, 'Mom, I have something to tell you...I'm gay.' His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, 'You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?' The guy said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.' His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, 'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!'
A woman went to an art gallery and was looking at all the paintings. She came to one painting and became very puzzled. The owner of the gallery walked by and she asked him about the painting. She said, 'There are three naked black men in this painting but one of them has a white dick. Why was it painted this way?' The owner replied, 'This is a picture of three coal miners. The one with the white dick went home for lunch.'
A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him. Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going, yells the midget. The blonde looks down and says, I am not a brunette, I am a blonde. The midget replies, Not from where I'm standing.
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
Question: What is the best thing for a woman who has everything? Answer: A man to show her how to work it.
