Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics and shouts "Shit!"
Old, but I like it: A man and his wife are visiting the bull-breeding exhibit at the State Fair. At the first pen is a sign reading, 'This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "Fifty times last year!" They walk a little farther and see another pen with a sign that says, "This bull mated 100 times last year." The wife socks her husband in the arm and says. "About twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'' They walk farther and a third pen has a sign saying "This bull mated 365 times last year.'' The wife says, "Once a day! You could really learn some ..." The husband cut her off with: "Why don't you go up and ask him if it was all with the same cow.
The tourists were walking through Soho when they saw a man with a sign: "Put a fork in me, I'm done." At the next corner was a woman with a sign: "Put a dork in me, I'm fun." "Come with me if you want to live." "Live with me if you want to ***."
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Red Ferrari. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
Pain Divider. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
A guy walks into his house with a chicken under his arm. He says "See honey there's that pig I've been screwing" His wife says "That's not a pig, that's a chicken" He says "I know, I was talkin' to the chicken!"
Odds are, this was posted. But I just got it in an email and thought it was decent: Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
New X-rated version of Edgar Rice Burrough's "A Princess of Mars": "Deep Thoat" Image Unavailable, Please Login
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.....
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"
On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? 2 ft. of my cock in your ass.
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company. ------ To: All Staff Subject: Copier Please, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a traffic cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the officer. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now, though," the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear," says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr, too," says the mother quietly. "Oh gracious me," says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He is a martyr, also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
