Lance Armstrong news=

Discussion in 'Sports' started by tonyh, Sep 8, 2005.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory,
    along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what
    could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.
    Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned
    substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation
    after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

    The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which
    have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's
    girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use
    them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok
    throughout Europe."

    Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
    physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
    interesting items that they have never seen before, including a
    backbone and testicles.
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  3. Schatten

    Schatten F1 World Champ
    Rossa Subscribed Owner

    Apr 3, 2001
    Austin, TX
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    Crap. This is horrible. I guess we have to stoop to their laws and customs.

    "When in Rome..."
  4. weimar97

    weimar97 Karting

    May 21, 2004
    don't you mean testicle?
  5. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    In front of you
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    Anyone want to buy a French war rifle?

    It has never been fired and only dropped once!
  6. TexasMike

    TexasMike F1 Veteran

    Feb 17, 2005
    Austin, Texas
    Full Name:
    Michael C
    You can get those for a dime, a dozen.
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  8. Ferrari0324

    Ferrari0324 F1 Rookie

    Mar 20, 2004
    Full Name:
    I was thinking the same thing. But even that is more than they have.
  9. venusone

    venusone F1 Rookie

    Mar 20, 2004
    Some folks are just poor losers.
  10. Modenafan

    Modenafan F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 19, 2004
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    "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
    drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by
    prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
    one behind me."
    --- General George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
    --Norman Schwartzkopf

    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about
    ---- Marge Simpson

    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
    ---Jacques Chirac, President of France
    "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
    ---Rush Limbaugh

    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
    is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
    --- Regis Philbin

    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman
    sitting together in a carriage in a train going through a French
    Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an
    old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went
    completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of
    a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman
    and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
    Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped.
    The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her
    and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was
    'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the
    Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was
    'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll
    make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

    An old saying:
    Raise your right hand if you like the French....
    Raise both hands if you are French.

    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
    the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't
    have the face for it."
    ---John McCain, U.S.Senator from Arizona

    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
    he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is
    French, people."
    --Conan O'Brien

    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
    Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the
    Germans out of France!"
    ---Jay Leno

    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
    into Paris under a German flag."
    --David Letterman
  11. dakharris

    dakharris Two Time F1 World Champ

    Jun 7, 2001
    Sleepy Hollow
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    Cavaliere Senzatesta

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  13. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    In front of you
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    Then again....forget that one!!!
  14. DrStranglove

    DrStranglove FChat Assassin
    Rossa Subscribed Owner

    Oct 31, 2003
    Google Maps
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    The Complete Military History of France

    -Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

    -Hundred Years War- Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    -Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    -Wars of Religion- France go 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    -Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway, and claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring them.

    -War of Devolution- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    -The Dutch War- Tied

    -War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    -War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    -American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    -French Revolution- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    -The Napoleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    -The Franco-Prussian War- Lost. Germany plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    -World War I- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    -World War II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Weasel Song.

    -War in Indochina- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    -Algerian Rebellion- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    -War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
  15. RMV

    RMV F1 Veteran

    Apr 11, 2002
    Well at least they managed one victory!
  16. brunner

    brunner Karting

    May 3, 2004
    Full Name:
    C. Salagean
    And how is this not a political thread?
  17. RMV

    RMV F1 Veteran

    Apr 11, 2002
    No, not yet. When the flaming begins, THEN it will be a political thread :D
  18. Erik330

    Erik330 Formula Junior

    May 8, 2004
    Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
    So the Germans can march in the shade.

    How many divisions does it take to defend Paris?
    Don't know; it's never been tried.

    The French copy no one, and no one copies the French.
  19. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
    Never home
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    Dr. Dumb Ass
    Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
  20. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
    Never home
    Full Name:
    Dr. Dumb Ass
    More military history.

    Norse invasions, 841-911.
    After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

    Mexico, 1863-1864.
    France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

    Panama jungles 1881-1890.
    No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

    Napoleonic Wars.
    Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

    Haiti, 1791-1804.
    French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

    India, 1673-1813.
    British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

    Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
    Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

    1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
    French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

    Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
    Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

    French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

    1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
    When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

    St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
    Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

    Third Crusade.
    Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

    Seventh Crusade.
    St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

    [Eighth] Crusade.
    St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

    Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

    Seven year War 1756-1763
    Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

    The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
  21. BeachBum

    BeachBum Formula 3

    one more reason to boycot france
  22. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
    Never home
    Full Name:
    Dr. Dumb Ass
    "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller

    "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke
  23. amenasce

    amenasce Two Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Oct 17, 2001
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    Joe Mansion
  24. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
    Never home
    Full Name:
    Dr. Dumb Ass
    Okay, last one for the day from me.

    Today, the government of France fell when Jacques Chirac unexpectedly surrendered to a tourist couple from Düsseldorf.
  25. brunner

    brunner Karting

    May 3, 2004
    Full Name:
    C. Salagean
    I suppose you guys don't have anything against a french guy starting posting stuff linke '10 reasons to hate the americans', here, on offtopic?

    You moved the political section to the subscribed forum, then keep the politics out of the rest.
  26. lamar

    lamar Formula Junior

    Feb 9, 2004
    brunner don't worry as a french i don't care if they make joke about us some are funny and i know it is not the right time to make fun with it but to go in your way Louisiana used to be french maybe that's why us government took so much time to send some rescue ???
  27. brunner

    brunner Karting

    May 3, 2004
    Full Name:
    C. Salagean
    It's irrelevant whether they're funny or not. They made a decision, and I expect them to stick to it, otherwise their word doesn't mean sh*t.
  28. PeterS

    PeterS Three Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Jan 24, 2003
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    I heard on CNN this morning that Lance may some out of retirement for one more year just to piss off the French with another win. Classic!

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