I thought this was hilarious, and I was in the Army...! Mike **** How to Simulate Being in the Navy 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. 1a. Submarines -- Black outside; Pea Green inside 2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. 3. Repaint your entire house every month. 4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. 5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high. 6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints. 7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and assemble them. 8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. 9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week. 10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed. 11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in. 12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack." 13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months. 14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up." 15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you. 16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500. 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore an aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!" 18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest. 19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one--the same one every night. 20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations! 21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. 22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. 23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. 24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. 25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire. 26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond. 27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box. 28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors) 29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!" 30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. 31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work. 32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long. 33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking. 34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. 35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front. 36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry. 37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters. 38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home. 39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
There was a time when I seriously considered joining the Navy. I should give some of that a go... oh wait, I just remembered - the last time I disassembled a lawn mower and put it back together, it jammed mid-use and all manner of sprockets and torn heavy rubber washers fired out the back of it into my shins in the very moment before the engine set on fire. In my defence, it worked perfectly well for about half the lawn. Maybe the Navy is better off without me. All the best, Andrew.
Forgot to set Zebra and Darken Ship?...Ooops!...Captain's Mast tomorrow morning! Yep...midnight death dogs and hourly logs with sound-powered phones on my head drinking 6-hour coffee waiting in a 1-hour line to eat pork adobo after watch... Yep, strip, grind and paint (stripping done with air-operated needle gun)...repeat often... paint everything...2-part paint (A & B green primer) that would encapsulate clouds if necessary...inspection at 1345... Lived on a carrier...thank god I was in an engineering field (black shoe), so I got to sleep in the aft lower berth...no jet blasts there, just the soft rumbling of the mains until the next flashlight-in-face or GQ for the time being... General cleanliness inspection every Friday from 0700 to 1200...included all heads...can't use the head without proper negotiation tactics (tell the custodian you will piss on his floor unless he lets you go into the urinal...works best when the inspector is in the area)...finish just in time to hear your last-digit of SSN called out to get a drug test... Hoo Yah!
Somewhere I have the one on How to Prepare for Deployment. The mentality is the same.... If I can find it I will post it. PDG
everything sounds about right, except it doesn't capture the true purposelessness of it all, nor the reasons each one of those things is vitally important, including the cake...... NAVY -- Never Again Volunteer Yourself........... Q. So sir, why am I checking the oil pressures on the shaft alleys and stern tubes when the shafts have been removed for overhaul? A. Just to remind you you are in the Navy, son.
I just sent this to my brother-in-law who works in the engine room on a boomer-class sub. He's on land and called up crying as he was laughing so hard.
Forgot to put in replace all stairs in your house with ladders installed at about 20 deg away from vertical and remove walkway or sidewalk to street and replace with 2 x 12 mounted to motors and brackets so they can randomly move in any direction. Of course, they'll need to be 50'in the air over really dirty water and a concrete pier.
Here's the army version: How to Simulate Life in the Army 1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight. 2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can't talk. 3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood. 4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go. 5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower. 7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they can't use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection. 8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole. 9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!" 10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you. 11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable." 12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 5pm. 13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review. 14. Shower with above-mentioned friends. 15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). 16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away. 17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car. 18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. 19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red. 20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking. 22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item. 23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green. 24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one. 25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them. 27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns and call it a deployment. 28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel. 29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed. 32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don't let them eat or sleep again for two days. 33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator. 34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs. 35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off. 36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house. 38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu. 39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay." 40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake. 41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk. 42. Don't change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12 mile walk. 43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high. 44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut. 45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints. 46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away. 47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car. 48. Buy a trash can, but don't use it. Store the garbage in your hole. 49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to "check the perimeter." 50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole. 51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again. 52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference. 53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside. 54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout "Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!" Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline. 55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular "Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?" Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular "Negative contact, Lost-Three out." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
Funny stuff! Here's the Air Force version, at least how it was during my stint as an electronics technician from '87-'91: 1. Thank God you're not in the Army. 2. Thank God you're not in the Navy. 3. Thank God you're not in the Marines. 4. Complain that they make you get your hair cut - by a trained barber - and only after it covers your ears and collar. DO NOT under any circumstances get a haircut that might lead someone to believe you are in the Army! 5. Complain a lot when the air conditioning doesn't work. 6. Clean the work shop and bathroom once a week. Well, once a week every 5 weeks since the job is handled by 5 teams that rotate the duty. And if you're on the team for the week, you get a half-day off on Friday for your pain and suffering. If you're an NCO, you will be called on to supervise the job once a year. Maybe. Maybe this is why the job I had was converted to civilian contract after the Gulf War...
Since this is fast becoming a military humor thread... The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!" Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it or where he is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do. Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one". Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother. Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes). Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy. Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost. Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat. Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick. Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations. Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still. Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels. Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life. Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane. Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, *****es, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age. SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck." War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.
My uncles take on the list. He was on the Saratoga waaaaaaaay back in the day. 1. All ships are pea green inside and grey outside. 2. Much easier to work on that way. 3. Painting (see: interaction of salt water and steel) 4. I still take the quickest showers. Jodi can not believe I can wash so quick (I do not shave my legs) 5. This guy was on a distroyer, probably. 6. Clear the stacks! Check the wind first. 7. Nothing is disposable! Everything should last. 8. The scar tissue will be gone 3-4 years after your discharge. 9. Preventative maintenance is a religion. After a while you know what equipment will break and about when if you do not do a maintenance. This is better than working all night to fix an essential piece of equipment. (see: cannibalization). 10. SNAFU: situation normal, all f''''ed up. 11. Senior men always take the middle bunk. This is earned through years of service. 12. These guys would often get punched out,. 13. recommended 14. After 30 days aboard, you barely notice this. 15. Recommended 17. I hope you have a good heavy duty sweeper. 18. I disagree with this. The Navy understands how important mail is and it is a top priority. If a mail plane landed it was announced to the crew immediately and the mail dispersed in a timely fashion. 19. I never watched a TV show for 4 years but read a 1000 books. 20. Run regular fire drills so everyone knows the exits. Do this blind folded. Wait till the twins can crawl but Jackie should know the routes out. 21. Delegate this but have guidelines 22. Rank has its privileges: E-5 and above can cut the line. This would mean you. 25. I still leave my clothes organized next to the bed. 26. Pool survival skills: pretend you are swimming under burning oil or avoiding a strafing plane. 29. Good idea but announce the class of fire so they now what to do: Class A (Alpha)is for general combustibles like a mattress or paper: Class B (Bravo) is for flammable liquids; Class C (Charlie)for electrical; Monthly drill are appropriate. 30. Now that your family has reach critical mass, you will need a podium (any corner will do). 31. I have been in hurricanes. If you are strapped in, all is well. 32. Just a note: everyone should have ear protection 33. learned the benefits of coffee in the Navy, black, no cream, no sugar. 34. No one cares how your hair looks and if you do, something is wrong. 35. This should be a 13 button flap comment. Some guys went to Velcro. Personally, I am a traditionalist and never had a problem no matter how drunk I was. 36. Or aviation fuel. It happens, no biggy. 37. Of course 38. This is a group activity and constitute some of my greatest memories. 39. See the Chaplain if you have a problem.
"18. I disagree with this. The Navy understands how important mail is and it is a top priority. If a mail plane landed it was announced to the crew immediately and the mail dispersed in a timely fashion." Absolutely right! We had a small boy once that jerked us around every time we flew the mail in. Always made us wait to land, never gave us box lunches, drinks, or let us get out to use the head. So one day, on our way in with 14 bags of mail, we radioed the bridge that we had 15 bags. We took an empty mail bag and filled it with junk, and on final approach dropped it in the sea. Over the radio, we announced; "opps, sorry, we only have 14 bags for you". We never had another problem from them the rest of the deployment.
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)- updated version 1. Infantry: GPS is down, therefore doesn't find the snake AO as they don't do training anymore on how to use a lensatic compass. Re-adjusts black beret in frustration, then feels good about self because, as the beret denotes, they have undergone "transformation". 2. Airborne: Comes into theater on an airplane, but doesn't jump in. Is pretty much indistinguishable from Infantry, but decides to differentiate themselves by ruthlessly enforcing the reflective belt rule, the no sex rule, the no alcohol rule, and shuts down salsa night. Only about 21% of their force ever see a snake while they are in the AO, and that just spooks them. Leadership decide snake ops are more dangerous than jumping and require a general officer to approve operations. Soldiers spend their time filming themselves dancing and uploading their vids to YouTube. 3. Armor: Runs over fake snakes that the Airborne have put on the roads to confuse the tread heads. Giggles, runs over the fake snakes again. Puts entire unit in for the Combat Action Badge (CAB). 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. (some things never change...) 5. Ranger: Fast-ropes onto objective where snakes are thought to be. Secures outer area for special mission unit (SMU) to kill/capture snakes. SMU kills all snakes on objective, to include women and children snakes and then leaves. Rangers exfil 24 hours later. All get CIB. Go back to base and walk around like they are SMU members, since they no longer cut their hair short. Get yelled at by Airborne Sergeant Major for not saluting and for having hands in pockets when it is 0 degrees outside. Now they know how SF feel. 6. Field Artillery: Deployed into theater like infantry. Can't figure out which end the bullet comes from on their rifle. Complains that they can't fire their cannons because they didn't bring them. Are made the *****es of the infantry. Spend a lot of time with anyone who will listen- explaining the physics of indirect fire. Get frustrated with infantry knuckle-dragging attitude. Everyone gets a CAB. 7. Special Forces: Have been in theater for years after overthrowing bad snake regime, building rapport and winning snakes' hearts and minds and training them to kill other snakes. Watches as conventional forces arrive, build huge bases and FOBs, inject more generals than the Pentagon has, more colonels than Michael Jackson had surgeries, and more rules and regulations than a communist regime. Is forced to shave beards and wear reflective belts and can't shoot bad guys unless the bad guys shoot at them while yelling that they hate Americans and promising Global Jihad. Lose more of their soldiers to conventional force negligent discharges than enemy fire. Spend more time saluting conventional officers than planning anti-snake missions. 8. Special Forces NCO: Tapes hand to patrol cap because his hand is usually in salute position on crowded and rank-heavy FOBs. Gets yelled at by Conventional Sergeant Major. Tries to go on anti-snake mission to get away from FOB. Is turned down by risk assessment. 9. Conventional Sergeant Major: Walks around huge FOBs inspecting for important things like if people are saluting and if safety belts are on the right shoulder. Encourages commanders to pass new rules that require all soldiers to low-crawl while on FOBs as walking is deemed too dangerous according to recently-updated risk assessments. Labels all activities done in Snake AO as "highly dangerous" and thus requiring General Officer approval prior to waking up every morning. 10. Combat Engineer: Studies COIN. Realizes, even though our doctrine says not to hide on FOBs, they will be busy building FOBs. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how building more FOBs will win the war. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly build FOBs. 11. Navy SEAL: Is confused once they realize that SOCOM deployed them for political reasons to a landlocked country. Can't wrap mind around the fact they don't have a submarine to exfil to. Spends time on FOBs trying to impress the ladies by inviting them to watch Charlie Sheen movies. Hollywood still makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes. 12. Navy: Deploys into theater and fills jobs the infantry wouldn't even take. Complains about the infantry training they received prior to deploying- saying they didn't sign up for hardship like that. Complains that they shouldn't be participating in operations in a landlocked country. Still makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection, even though they didn't see any snakes. 13. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. Leadership declare that they should be allowed to take over operations for the entire snake AO, because "inside every snake is a Marine, waiting to get out". Snakes begin to shave scales in a high and tight manner and instead of hissing make noises that sound curiously like "hoo-rah". 14. Marine Recon: Provides the foundation for a new, special, elite, Special-Ops Marine unit, while not admitting that regular Marines are not special. Deploys into theater and kills snakes just like regular Marines. Gets thrown out of country. Comes back with a whole battalion and sits everyone on FOBs. Wishes they were back in the "regular" Marines again. 15. Combat Controllers: Nothing sexy due to massive limits on air ops as our snake doctrine recommends we concentrate on the "will of the snakes". 16. Para-Rescue Jumper: See #15. 17. Supply: Pays snakes to transport supplies, as it violates risk assessments to travel where snakes live. Snakes take money and buy bombs to blow-up FOBs. Bombs blow-up supplies, which causes them to pay more money to snakes to transport more supplies, and so on- in a circle it goes. All loggies deployed to snake AO get CABs. 18. Transport pilot: Is too busy flying VIPs and general officers around to transport anything. Forwards all supply requests to supply. Even more money to snakes to transport supplies. Since more supplies are required in theater, more generals are required to approve the requests. More generals in theater mean more supply requests forwarded to supply, and so on- in a circle it goes. All transport pilots get General Officer coins. 19. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies SF and good snakes as bad snakes and requests clearance to engage. Rare clearance is given and SF frantically calls pilot off. Pilot later blames Army lack of understanding of Air Force in 70 page staff college paper that gets him promoted to general and an achievement ribbon. Goes on to command air cell that clears other F-15s to fire on other good snakes and SF. One of his pilots also writes a staff college paper that blames the Army... and so on... 20. F-16 pilot: Finds snake village, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on a snake wedding ceremony 500 KM East of snake village due to weather. Claims that a strategic bombing campaign will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. Writes paper in staff college... you know the story... 21. AH-64 Apache pilot: More than likely the majority of these jokers are working as staff officers in some 30-general officer headquarters on some massive base that used to be in a lovely location- but since has been plowed of all trees and ripped of all grass and is now a dusty, rock-filled, tent-covered, and connex-heavy base that DOES have a Green Bean coffee place. Gets pissed off because all the NATO guys can drink, but the former pilots have to meet in secret so that they don't end their careers by having less alcohol than the average 12 year old in Germany on a Sunday. Gets a NATO medal and a Meritorious Service Medal (MSM) for never building a power point slide in 7 months that didn't need corrections by an O-6 U.S. Colonel. Doesn't really believe there are any snakes in the AO. 22. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: see #18. 23. B-52 pilot: All B-52s are deadlined due to lack of spare parts. See #21. 24. Missile crew: Missiles? Nothing mentioned about missiles in COIN manual. See artillery. 25. Intelligence officer: Spends entire deployment in air-conditioned, windowless, staff office in large, meaningless FOB. Reads reports from the field and does analysis on the reports that all in the field who actually interact with snakes disagree with. Attempts to justify job by disagreeing with leaders in the field in front of their boss during weekly Video Teleconferences (VTCs). Puts all officers in for MSMs if they are still breathing oxygen at the end of their tour. 26. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Answers the phone with "No, now what's the question?" Doesn't believe forces are allowed to do anything in theater, much less interact with snakes. Works feverishly on prosecuting infantry who have interacted with snakes who are now dead for some reason. Puts all JAG soldiers in for Bronze Stars. 27. NATO soldiers: Import tons of alcohol along with national caveats that make it impossible for them to interact with snakes unless they are training good snakes on a highly-protected base. When one of their soldiers gets killed while driving intoxicated, country pulls their forces out of snake AO. Snakes miss the alcohol, although snakes aren't known to drink alcohol. U.S. females miss them due to their exotic accents and their forward demeanor (unbounded as it is by sexual harassment paranoia and sexual sensitivity training). They all get NATO medals and the lowest U.S. award possible. 28. Contractors: Fought snakes in Vietnam when they were commie snakes. Work a 9 to 5 job and get Fridays off. Follow the contract closer than a union follows a break schedule. Doesn't build any capability in the snakes worth mentioning, but manages to make a lot of money. Loses contract- not due to a failure to deliver- but because another contractor (who is worse) bids lower. Protests the loss of the contract, which sets back anti-bad-snake operations at least a year. Loses contract in the end, but gains another contract as U.S. forces draw-down and requirements stay the same. All contractors get bonuses and 401-k growth due to their companies being the only companies on Wall Street making money that didn't get a bailout. 29. General officers: Sign off on new guidance once in theater that encourages forces to engage with snakes, live among them, build rapport, and coordinate with civilians. Then signs off on policy that labels engaging with snakes, living among them, building rapport, and coordinating with civilians as high risk and requiring a general officer to sign off on prior to every instance of conducting said activities. Berates subordinates for not engaging with snakes, living among them, building rapport, and coordinating with civilians. Gets promoted no matter what happens while they are here.
