Modern Zen (for a friday giggle)

Modern Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, just leave me
the F$%# alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.