a 100 years ago women were mothers at 14-15-16 years old, at least now the smart ones practise birth control.
Uh, hardly. I think we come from very different places and have wildly different perspectives on these issues. Honestly, I kind of feel sad for you that this is your perspective on life. There's a better world out there where kids are happy to be good kids, and where their parents trust and respect them to make good choices in life. Where is Uro in this thread? I'd like to hear his point of view.
Don't feel sad for me, I don't. I'm happy and well educated so far. I've done nearly everything on my own and I've just completed my Associate's degree. I'll be in a University next semester. I have a good job, a nice car, and good friends. I don't know what you're babbling about. My experimentation at a young age has nothing to do with my future.
Nice way to duck the issue. I am asking your current opinion. If you think it will change that drastically in the future then everything you say is, by definition, invalid. Put her on the pill and offer her a ride? Are you insane? What about taking action and kicking some sense into your kid? When I was around that age I started straying down a bad path. Did my parents offer to be a drunk taxi? HELL NO! Instead, they contacted military type schools, sat down and had 'chats' with me, and ultimately opened my eyes to the various situations around me. It's called PARENTING. You seem to choose a 'whatever' attitude and 'let it ride' because 'they are going to do their thing anyway.' You know what that is called? Irresponsible, chosen COMPLACENCY. See above. There are MANY actions you can take to prevent. To think otherwise is truly naive. Yeah, drinking and driving at 15-16 is 'safe', along with drug use and underage sex(as long as you 'talk' to them). Excellent point there genius. Sorry, but you think your experiences speak the truth about what is and is not possible. Your reality is not necessarily how the world works. Just because you want to do something at 14 doesn't mean you can be enabled to do them. How you choose to not understand that is beyond my comprehension. I agree he shouldn't spy on his 18 y/o daughter. But your examples were not, as they say, applicable. They were simply a statement of justification on your part. You don't have to be Freud or Dr. Phil to see it. Ever read any psych on approval seekers and the lengths they go to attain 'approval' from others? 3 Myspace 'bulletin' posts per day should tell you something. Thinking the entire world needs to know your every move is not only weird, it's a perfect example. Yes, chances are such. Again, she is 18, no big deal in my book. But your examples do NOT make it 'ok' for a 14 y/o to do the same. Your idea that people will do what they want is misguided, lacks thought, and will lead to downright bad parenting. Just think about the amount of influence adults have over children. Sure, when kids become 12-13-14 they begin to rebel. It's normal. But proper parents are EXPERIENCED(as are you, to your advantage at this point if you choose) enough to know how to steer the kids away from questionable activity. It involves sensitivity with the ability to put your foot down and demand certain things from your kids. And trust me, this can be done without planting surpressed desires that will force them to act out when they are finally on their own. Funny thing is that after you read this you will think I hate you or have it out for you for some reason. Truth is I don't. I am commenting on a misperception, take it for what it's worth.
You've apparently lived an incredibly sheltered life. Reality is, a lot of underaged kids are going to drink. If you don't believe that, you're a moron. Would you rather have them go somewhere and get drunk, then try to drive home because they're afraid to call their parents and ask for a ride? I know a lot of successful people who came from families with REALISTIC parents, and a lot of drug addicts, gas station attendants, and other losers who came from strict families.
No Mike, you miss the point completely. And no, sheltered is FAR from my life experience as a teenager, you have no idea and are incredibly presumptuous. The point I was making? Simple. You don't find out that your 14 y/o is drinking and then 'talk' with them and give them the impression that it is 'ok' and that they should call you many times to be their drink ride. Of course if your kid calls you and needs to be picked up you do it. OF COURSE! That doesn't mean that you condone what they are doing and certainly doesn't mean you enable them further by glazing over the issues at hand. Get your head out of the sand and stop making presumptions that lead you to believe that people are 'morons.' Not only is it rude(which doesn't particularly bother me), it is low-tier discourse.
I'm not disagreeing with that point, for the most part, now that you've rephrased it somewhat. I said nothing about condoning the behavior... my point was that if your kids are scared of being punished, they probably won't call for a ride. I do stick by what I said earlier though. Underaged kids can and will drink, and you are a MORON if you don't believe that.
John... I agree with you on some parts, but definitely disagree on many others. Yes there are ways to steer your children in the right direction, and attempt to give them the guidance to make good decisions. But, and I'm saying this from experience, you can't be with them 24 hours a day. You need to build respect long before this issue even arises. You may raise a perfect little angle, but how do you know she, at 14, doesn't sneak out at lunch and is blowing some varsity baseball kid in his car? YOU DON'T, and as much as I hate to shatter your perfect world, it happens EVERY DAY! In highschool kids would ditch lunch and go get drunk at someones house, party in the pool, and all other sorts of debauchery. And this was a very nice upper scale area, not some white trash gravel road community. If you don't teach the self confidence, and moral values from the time they are 2, by the time they are 14 there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Whether you believe it or not, kids can and will do what they want, with their parents permission or not. Coming from someone whos been through it not all that long ago, Steph is actually going in the right direction. If you can't stop them (and as much as you'd like to believe it, if they want to, you can't) is to treat them like adults, talk about the choices they have made, and try to lead them to make better decisions. In case you're wondering. I would say (in all honesty) 3/4 of my freshman class (in 96') were having sex. There were only a handful that were still virgins at graduation, and most not by choice.
You're quite riled up. I was stating my opinion based on my experiences. Take it or leave it.. no need to attack it. I'll be a good parent one day, if I choose to have kids. My former friend's son used to listen to me WAY more than he listened to her. She even asked.. "why is it that my son doesn't listen to me? He only listens to YOU!" He didn't respect her as he did me. I had to have talks with HER about proper parenting but she was just a total MESS and she was in her mid-thirties. I feel bad for him now because his dad left the country and I'm no longer around.
When it comes to sex and alcohol, there are no incorrect views, only unpopular or socially unacceptable ones. Furthermore, since there is no magic age at which all people become physically and emotionally prepared for these things, those who are inclined to judge should agree that a case by case basis is more appropriate than a generalization that no people of x age should do y. If it were clear cut, all societies would have the same laws regulating drinking and sex with a minor. Of course I have my own opinions on moral issues, but I'm not inclined to tell someone else that hers are mistaken.
I obviously didn't state it in my response earlier, but yes, you have to instill the values in kids from day one. I certainly think that waiting until something 'happens' is a complacent parenting style as well. So we both completely agree that you have to give your kids the self confidence from the jump. And will kids STILL end up doing things that you won't be happy about? No doubt. It DOES happen everyday, like you said. The gripe I have is with people who, 1. Wait until something 'happens' 2. Smooth over the issue at hand and act as if it is still 'ok'
EXACTLY. I didn't grow up in a trailer.. I grew up in a very nice area. A lot of the kids were doing drugs because their parents worked and gave them money to get off their backs. My ex bf's parents were millionaires.. he was smoking pot when he was 15 years old.. BEFORE we got together. WHY? Because both of his parents worked very hard to make the money they had and gave him fists full of it to entertain himself. They didn't supervise him and now that he's nearly 24 he's into all kinds of drugs but you better believe he's got 3 nice cars. Hah. This is NOT uncommon.. in most families both parents work then who is there to instill morals or supervise after school? NO ONE. We skipped school with our friends, had sex, drank, smoked cigarettes, as long as it was all done and cleaned up by the time they got home at 6:30. They caught us doing things on several occasions, too. We weren't bad kids, we were just kids having a good time.
There is nothing wrong with me commenting on the way you expressed your experiences and tried to relate them. They are simply an opposing view, which, coincidentally, you can take or leave as well. Kudos! I earnestly hope that it turns out that way. Would be a shame not to Not a good situation. Now, I believe you when you say the kid listened to you. But kids 'listen' for a miriad of different reasons. The kid could have very easily thought of you as a 'friend' or 'buddy', much like a classmate. I obviously have no clue what kind of relationship you had with this child, so I am simply saying that sometimes kids may listen to you at some point in their life, yet that doesn't mean they will respect everything you say when push comes to shove. Case in point, I recently gained an 11y/o step brother. He is a kid who gets in trouble A LOT for his age. Kicked out of schools, the works. Yet he hero worships me because he has never had a brother. So when he acts out or exhibits behavior that is to his detriment, I try to give him examples to lead him in a different manner. He listens, seems to respect them, and makes an effort to do better. Now, that doesn't mean he will act the same when he is 14 and has figured a few more things out. That is where it gets dicey.
Right! But you did notice what happened to your ex bf. He became a LOSER. Sad. The point is that most kids make it through that time just fine, you and I did, and so did a lot of our friends. But NOT everyone. A great friend of mine growing up is now 24. He still lives at home. Dropped out of college. Two weeks ago he had a seizure, fell down a flight of stairs, and somehow wasn't injured. Why did this happen? He overdosed on METHADONE. Sure, I had my fun much more than most kids, yet I am not on the internet giving specific examples. That would be irresponsible. So yes, most kids 'make it', but many don't. That is why you don't take chances with your kid and Mickey Mouse everything and pat them on the back.
I did more parenting than she did because I was practically living there for quite a while. She's psychotic about men so she always had her head in a twist about something (which is why I no longer associate with her) but I had to do a lot for him. He was my buddy.. we all went to the beach and she took some man she had met one other time with us. She told me to play frisbee with him while she spent the day making out with him on the beach. Fantastic. I didn't mind watching him but that never should've happened. She would bring new men around him at least once a week, as she never saw them a second or third time. Bottom line, her son didn't respect her. She would just whine to him and say "promise me that you won't treat women like this when you get older" whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Ugh, that used to piss me off. There were a multitude of other things that are even worse that had quite an effect but that's not worth mentioning. He respected me because I didn't bring men around him, didn't do drugs, and played when it was time to play but demanded he listen when it was time for that. His mother wrote me an email recently saying he misses me but too bad, he's solely her responsibility now. Poor kid.
Yeah, my ex got into drugs when I left him and although I feel badly there's nothing I can do. His friends have asked me to talk to him, and I have, but he's not my responsibility, he's 24 years old. He's spoiled rotten.. still to this day LITERALLY stomps his feet and cries if he doesn't get his way, much like a five year old but his parents always give in. Although humorous, he's quite a monster. It's sad.. he was so intelligent but he was always getting written up in school for doing stupid stunts. He had a manila folder 2" thick of referrals. Why? Because he wanted attention and discipline from SOMEWHERE. He's still living at home, I think he's back in school, but the alcohol/drugs are out of hand.
OH YOU'RE LOSING HIM! Time to bust out the condoms and implement the drunken cab fare allowance! He's 14 and ready to rock, you can't delude yourself any longer!
