My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. *** Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? *** My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. *** A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." *** I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. *** My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. *** You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" *** The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. *** Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. *** I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". *** *** I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ... *** Got a phone call today to do a gig at a firestation. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. *** Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. *** The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. *** My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. *** A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". *** I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" *** It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. *** I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. *** If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. *** I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?" *** The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Almost seven hours have passed mate, and not one single smigeon of appreciation of your unsurpassed sense of humour. Well i thought one or two were funny. Booked that holiday yet ?
