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oh YEAH,TONY?!?!?....................

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Mar 11, 2004.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
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    #1 darth550, Mar 11, 2004
    Mornrn Tone!


    The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
    their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith
    kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
    rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You
    don't know me but I've come to...."

    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
    of babies."

    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
    seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave
    everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
    and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
    fun too; you can really spread out."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
    me."

    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
    if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
    angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd love to be
    in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
    sure."

    "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
    his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
    London."

    "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
    their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed
    Mrs. Smith the picture.

    "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
    the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
    pushing to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
    The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
    concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
    Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
    packed it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
    eh.... equipment?"

    "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
    so that we can get to work."

    "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
    big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?
    ... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

    ___________________________

    DL
     

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  2. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #2 tonyh, Mar 11, 2004
    Hi Dave,



    Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex.

    One will make your day the other will make your hole weak.
     
  3. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #3 tonyh, Mar 11, 2004
    Joe and John were identical twins.
    Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented
    out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking
    it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and
    most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife
    had died suddenly in his absence.

    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
    "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
    wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

    The old woman fainted
     
  4. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
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    #4 darth550, Mar 11, 2004
    UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    DL
     
  5. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #5 tonyh, Mar 11, 2004
    You know you'll be using the Eastwood one.....
     

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  6. formula1joe

    formula1joe Formula Junior

    Nov 3, 2003
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    #6 formula1joe, Mar 11, 2004
    The Eastwood one was very good in deed.
     
  7. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    #7 tonyh, Mar 11, 2004
    A young woman in London was so depressed that she tried to end her life by
    throwing herself into the Thames.She went down to the docks and was about
    to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her
    tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.


    He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
    to America in the morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship.
    I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."Moving closer, he
    slipped his arm round her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep
    me happy!"


    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
    start in America would give her life new meaning.


    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


    >From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
    fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.


    Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
    captain.


    "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.


    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
    and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."


    " He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry!!"
     

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