My parents have been gone many years, never even saw my children, and I was probably way too old and too set in my ways to of ever had(I was never fond of them anyway) kids. But I have almost 11 year old twin boys and since I left home at a very early age, (I was practically raised by wolves) and a misspent youth (I have almost no memory before 15 years old) caused it's own set of complications. I do my best to understand my sons the world they must grow up in is far different from the one I did. Being as old as I am it is not likely I will be able to meet their children so I try to teach them (as best I can) that success in life can be measured in many ways, but being a good man can only be measured in one. I have told them the truth (to a point about my life) the mistakes I made, the reason I cannot help them with 4th grade homework but I must always be careful. They see what their dad has and they always question how I could never of gone past the 8th grade and lived on the streets to owning companies, writing novels and having so many nice things. Why do I push them to do well in school they ask. Well that is just one of the many hurdles I face being an old divorced dad who has his sons 50% of the time (the other 50% presents its own set of problems) If I learned anything going to see kid shrinks to learn how to deal with them and talk to them it is this. Always listen, always build them up, and remember they are not you!
Step one: own place Step two: girlfriend Step three: marriage (optional) Step four: have kids Step five: worrying about how to feel when kids leave the nest. Step 29: ***** at others on public forum about posts on thread about how to feel when kids leave the nest.
Or in the case of my parents, wish your kid(s) would call more but glad they don't call everyday asking for help with something.
Saw my sperm donor a hand full of times growing up. He just bailed on us and society as a whole. Not the type of person I would want in my life so no hard feelings. Step dad came into the picture when I was a wee lad. We have nothing in common and I didnt want to hear his schtick because I thought I had life figured out. Looking back....I was right and I dont say that with pride. He is a simple guy who misses me and is very proud of my accomplishments. I have two step kids that I helped raise from young ages. I inserted myself into their lives as much as I could. We just spent the weekend together celebrating a college graduation.....best weekend ever as a family. Both dads taught me how not to do it. Listen, teach and expect failure. When they are not listening.....they are listening. Now the advice: They will lie to you at every turn. The internet, face book, smart phones are the bane of every parent. In the old days, when a kid was punished, they had to reflect on why they messed up and why they are being punished. Now, they just tweet about it and have a million of their online 'friends' support how you are the *****. The result is they dont learn a thing and just resent you more. My punishment was Bedrock.....like Fred Flinstone. If Fred Flinstone didnt have it.....neither did my kids while being grounded. No phone, internet, cell phone, TV etc. I installed a key logging software program onto their computers (before I gave it to them) so that it was always hidden in the background. I could always monitor their online activity. I knew every Rave, Party, sleep over etc. my girl was planning on going to. I wasnt going to have my kid end up at the morgue, so I phoned in via Skype the address of the party to the local PD. All the kids thought there was a Narc at school because all the good parties were getting busted. Hell, I even phoned in a party update from a hotel room in Tokyo. She never knew so no 'trust' was violated. One time, she and her buddies had this sleep over planned. Everyone told their parents they were staying at each others houses etc. In fact they were all staying at a kids house whose parents were out of town. Booze, drugs (some hard drugs) were all lined up. Lil girl and her friends all headed out around 10:00PM. At 11:00 I made two calls, one to bust up the party and the second one to order a bunch of pizza. BTW, my wife to this day has no idea. Anyway, lil girl and her 4 friends all walk in around midnight with a made up story about how so and so's parents got into a fight and they wanted to hang out at home. Five minutes later 3 large pizzas show up with bbq wings etc. They hung out by the pool and retired safe and sound. Another night her friend and her planned to have two local college guys 'swing by the house' around 1 AM to pick them up (they were going to sneak out....she was 15 at the time). I just hung out in the garage with the door open working on one of my bikes. This Honda with an obnoxious tail pipe kept driving up and down the street. They gave up around 3am. Lil girl and her friend were obviously frustrated over pancakes the next morning........but couldnt take it out on me. Disclaimer: my buddies and I never did hard drugs or drove drunk. Ever. We just knew that there are things in life that would kill you and were too busy trying to get chicks or sports. We would go camping with a case or two of beer, bikes surf boards etc. Our son was a bookworm with the normal 'job sucks, parents suck bla bla bla.' He was fairly normal for a teenager and didnt need constant monitoring. There will be some who say trust your child, teach them well etc. That ship sailed with AOL dial up. Kids today get their information, advice, attitudes from forces outside your control. Its your job to contain, love and not be perceived as the D*ck. Let them fail in a quasi controlled environment so that its not detrimental to their long term growth.
What if said person, you said is their job, berated and shat on you at every opportunity and punched you and made you feel like you lived in a Nazi era concentration camp? Fawk all that because that is not the subject of this thread. Remember that Wings song....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p4drWtJ0Ug&list=RD0p4drWtJ0Ug
Funny you say "not be perceived as ******", yet everything you claim you did has DICKHEAD written all over it.
Agreed 100% Thats the downside of being a parent. The beauty is not to be perceived as the DH. One time her friend got dropped off by her parents and the kids were going out later in my daughters car. I just happened to see the friend run over to the bushes all stealthy like after her mom was around the corner. My best friend and neighbor across the street also saw it as he was in his garage detailing his car. I walked out and we both looked over to the bushes. It was a case of Bud Lite. I ran over to my buddies house and he took an exacto knife to slit open the bottom of the case. We replaced all the beer with diet coke and used a glue gun to seal it shut. The girls said they went over to a friends house and 'someone' brought a case of beer but it had diet coke inside but it was 'super funny and OMG'. They are not your friend, they are your child and need to be loved and protected. One of her close friends accidentally OD'd and another one was killed in a drunk driving accident (everyone in the car was way over the limit). Preventing my 15 year old girl from sneaking out with 19 year olds to go back to their place in the middle of the night is not ****** head move. Kids will be kids, but I know I put the odds in her favor until she was at an age where her brain had a chance to kick in and make a good decision. The 15 to 21 years were a challenge but I was always perceived as the Disneyland dad by the kids.....I still am. I was mostly a stay at home dad (im a commercial pilot and had a light schedule) so I had the time to dedicate the kids. Building forts, cooking contests, help with homework, go to all the soccer games, teach them how to drive, give constant encouragement but call them out when they messed up, lunch dates, building model rockets (both my kids and their mom have this obsession with model rockets), camping in the back yard, at home movie nights. The list goes on for miles. I also gave both kids the ability to blow off school for a day once a year to go to Disneyland on a moments notice. This day was usually right after some boy broke my girls heart. Lil girl just called me this morning to say what a fun time she had with us over the weekend and asked when we could come down again. Ill fess up to the espionage one day....she will think its funny as she developed my sense of humor and is a bubbly happy young woman. Texasmr2, If that was your household growing up....it was not a healthy environment. The best thing you could do is recognize the bad parenting so you dont make the same mistakes and dont give them the power to put you down anymore. Rise above and walk your own path.
If it is your approval I can wait. It seems the only thing you and that Envy person are missing is a failure to communicate/have a ADULT discussion without a keyboard. Was this topic beyond your IQ? Did I not express myself with a open mind? Why am I battering chum?
Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and for someone like me (I have Asbergers) who cannot even sense or understand what they are feeling it can be a daunting task. I had no role model to go by (don't even remember childhood) so I read books saw 3 different children's therapist's (still see one) to try and understand how to at least function as a father. Being divorced makes it harder and my ex is lets say the type who thinks work is a 4 letter word and tries to keep them from growing up so she has a purpose in life. It took the threat of court action to get her to agree that they need to see someone. Believe me life would be a lot easier had I stayed single as I planned to but I have two boys and it is my responsibility to help them grow up to be as good a person as possible. I will do whatever I have to, to make that happen. Despite my shortcomings I am a parent and I must be as good of one as I can be.
