Post all your pilot/flying jokes here...

A little boy and his dad were at the airport watching the planes comming into land or taking off. The young lad was floored by this and tells his dad that when he grew up that he was going to be a pilot.

The dad replied "Son its impossible to do both at the same time".

 

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob".
The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom:

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks, we heard: "Jesus Christ... Whatta *****in' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now!"

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her:

"Don't forget the coffee!"

 

A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and, with no place else to go, end up in the hangar at LAX. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel--that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great--NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!"

And the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?"

And he says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff--no hangover. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing. Did you fart yet?"

"No."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I did and now I'm in Denver."

 

The latest scam in the NJ area which is happening at the airport.
Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are
parking; One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with
her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg you
for a ride to the Town Square Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in
the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then
one of them performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't
find them Saturday or Sunday.

 

How do you know your date with a pilot is half over?

He says: "But enough about flying, let's talk about me."

 

I used to talk to the AOG (Aircraft On Ground) guys on a regular basis when they were home from their overseas repair trips. They would come into the factory and work special problems on the production line in between their trips. I would always ask them for stories of some of their numerous "adventures" in foriegn lands. Here is one of my favorites,

Back in the late 80's, early 90's an Air France 747 ran off the end of a runway in India, into a bog after an overshot landing that ripped the lower lobe of the fuselage off back to the wing center section. Of course the main body gear and main wing gear along with the nose gear were also torn off. I believe all but one engine was torn off as well.

Air France asked Boeing how long before a new 747 could be purchased. Because of the "boom" the next open slot was 2.5 years away so the decision was made to rebuild it. It took a year of 24 hr days in sweltering heat and wind storms to get it done.

These AOG teams worked 12 hour shifts (day & night) 7 days a week until the job was done. By the end of it these guys were tired and some were sick.

The story begins on the flight home after a layover in Japan. One of the guys had some strange bug he picked up in India and it made him pretty woosy. After boarding the plane home he proceeded to have a couple of drinks before dinner. The combination of booze, sickness and medication knocked him out. He fell face first into his dinner. (This is in first class mind you). The guys pulled him back up and reclined his seat a bit to keep him upright and called the flight attendants for some hot water and towels to clean him up with. He never woke up during this entire time.

Being as these AOG guys are a "special" bunch and are forever pulling stunts on each other one of the guys figured this was a prime opportunity to extend a little "payback" to our sleeping friend. These guys called the flight attendants over for help with their plan. Once told, the flight attendants gladly parted with various items out of their makeup bags so the guys could "doll-up" their esteemed co-worker. With carefull coaching by the flight attendants "Sleepy" was sporting a whole new look. Eventually Sleepy woke up and had a bite to eat. Nobody said anything and he was completely unaware of his new face.

Upon landing in Seattle everyone got off the plane and picked up their luggage. Sleepy made quite an impression on everyone in the terminal. He found out only after going to the lavatory on the way out to the parking garage. Everyone had a good laugh..................except Sleepy.


The best part of the story? The pictures. I saw them.

Those AOG guys are astounding in the feats they pull off in getting aircraft back into the air.

I have pictures of a 747 that made an abrupt R/H turn off the runway into the ocean in Tahiti after the pilot managed to engage only 3 of 4 thrust reversers. The one he missed was #1 engine, outboard L/H. Rumours have it that the pilot was an ex-L1011 driver. They saved that one too.

I'll relate some other stories as they come to me.

DJ

 

I forgot to mention the time when I was talking to some of the AOG guys and suggested they write a book describing their exploits and adventures in the exotic places they had visited, like Amsterdam or Thailand.

They all shook their heads NO vigorously! One said, "Are you kidding? We would all be divorced if "word" got out"

P.S. I will post pictures of the Tahiti accident on Sunday. Thats another interesting story in itself.

 

So here are the pictures of the 747 in Tahiti.

The story goes that the pilot had to take it around after the first attempt because of a strong tail wind. (I think this is a "one way" runway like SanDiego).

On the second attempt he still couldn't get it down but decided to "force it", touching down past the half way point. He applied full reversers and spun the plane off of the R/H side of the runway into the ocean. Nobody was hurt.

Investigation revealed that only 3 out of 4 reversers were engaged, number 1 (L/H outboard) being the engine that wasn't reversed. When full power was applied during braking #1 promptly turned the plane and that was that.

Because there was no heavy equipment on the island every large truck, bus and tractor was collected from all over the island and "daisy chained" to the main body gear of the plane. They managed to drag it back up across the rocks damaging the underside even more.

The salt water destroyed all of the black boxes and most of the forward lower lobe. Very messy.

Speculation has it that the pilot being an ex-L1011 pilot only grabbed for 3 throttles in the heat of the moment instead of the 4. Look closely and you can see the #1 cowl closed and the others open.

The plane was back in the air in less than 6 months. Just amazing.
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Keep the real stories coming. It is such a relief not to hear thngs of interest on CNN.

 

Well!
At least NOW,
I won't fee so bad when I make a slightly harder than normal landing.... IN A LITTLE CESSNA.........

Heh heh!

 

During IFR Flight

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot: "Altitude."
ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

 

Aircraft issues sheet after QANTAS flights
P = Problem
S = Solution

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: You're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

An elderly man in North Carolina had lived on his little ole airport for many years.

He had a large pond down behind the end of the runway amidst some trees, hiding it from view. It was fixed up nice with a little boat dock, picnic tables, horseshoe pits, apple and peach trees, and berry bushes. The pond was just the spot to get away from it all and cool off.

The old aviator, hadn't been to the pond for a while, so one warm evening he decided to go down and look things over. He brought along a five gallon bucket to bring back some fresh picked fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

He walked out onto the boat dock and could see that it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping . He made the girls aware of his presence and they all scurried into the deep end and made a vain attempt to cover up.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man shouted back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or chase you out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator"

 

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?


"The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"


The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?". The boy
said, "yes she did".


"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

Reminds me of the quick witted veteran flight attendent that had a name tag that said nothing more than "Oh Miss!" (Alaska Air)

 

I flew a lot in the evenings when I just started flying. Doing that 3-4 times a week, you get to know the other "night flyers" and their habits.
One clear summer night, about 10:30pm, I was about 6 miles out and I heard "Scott" call his 45 to DVO (Novato,CA). Through a mutual friend, I knew he was a veterinarian who has since moved his dragon adorned Bonanza and himself to Hawaii.
Feeling a bit chatty, I announced "inbound" and mentioned that it sure was a nice night to fly. Scott replied that it was indeed a beautiful night.
He lands and keys up to say "Be careful, there are quite a few rabbits on the runway."
I said that I'd do my best to clear some of them off the runway......
"Well" he responds, "Don't worry if you hit one - I'm a veterinarian."
"Hell with that!" I answered, "I'm a chef!"

 

That's a good one ! Thanks !
Switches

 

A prospector walked into the office of the new bush pilot in town and asked him to take him and his supplies to his cabin in the boonies. He described the area and the pilot couldn't put his finger on just where to land up there. The prospector told him he had a clearing near the cabin and that Smitty, the other pilot who worked the area, flew him in last year.

The pilot decided to go for it, but on arrival looked down and decided the clearing was sure not a landing strip. However, not to be outdone by Smitty, he gave it a go. He did all the normal short field stuff, landed brushing the trees with the tail, but it was no good. There was going to be a really bad wreck! He slammed on the brakes, pushed on the throttle and yoke and neatly flipped the plane on it back. They were still hanging in the seatbelts when the prospector said "That's just how Smitty did it last year."

 

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

 

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

 

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

 

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

 

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask, "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds, "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces...which is why I am putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts... which is why I am exposing my tits!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi... Are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds, "B!tches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"