Post all your pilot/flying jokes here...

Oh my...I think we have a winner. That's just WRONG!!!!

 

MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance .

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"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

- U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

- U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General Macarthur

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

- Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

- Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

- U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

- Infantry Journal

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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."

- Anonymous

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

- Your Buddies

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."



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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

- >From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."



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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."



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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."



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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."



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"Never trade luck for skill."



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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."



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Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."



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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."



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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"



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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."



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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."



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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."



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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."



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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."



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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."



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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."



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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."



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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."



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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot

 

Wonderful, thank you ! I have seen some of these go by with my own eyes.
Switches

 

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

 

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

Seen on a Royal Army base near the Farnborough airfield in Britain:

"Illegally parked vehicles will be BLOWN UP!"

 

Seen on an invitation to a fly-in . " This is an adult gathering ! Any children seen on the tarmac will be used for chocks and tie-down stakes!"

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

 

Bird Flu may be entering this country through international airline flights!

Keep an eye out for early signs, as follows:
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Do I have to start a poll?

 

You found one, Roy! That is a crack up !
Switches

 

The key difference between doctors, lawyers, and pilots.

Lawyers THINK they know it all.
Doctors eventually know it all.
Pilots just know it all.

 

Could make a tricky landing.
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Heard the joke, but never actually seen the real McCoy

Thanks Steve.

 

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

 

Marine Ground Crew, Finds US Air Force's F-100 'SuperSabre' Had An Unbelievable Starting Option



The F-100 SuperSabre had a large chamber to accept a large gas-generating cartridge. When ignited by electrical current, the expanding gas from the black powder-like pyrotechnic cartridge drove a starter turbine which brought the engine up to a self-sustaining RPM via a drive system.

This eliminated the need for heavy and bulky ground starting units, but the starter cartridge spewed out a characteristic dense cloud of choking black smoke, which was often mistaken by inexperienced ground crews for an engine fire.

The powder charge for the ground start came in a big sealed can, and on opening and extracting the cartridge, you'd find two small metal tabs on the bottom of the cartridge. These tabs were the electrical contact that fired the cartridge when the pilot moved the throttle outboard on start, before bringing the throttle forward. As soon as a tiny RPM registered on the tach, you brought the throttle around the horn to feed fuel and engine ignition to the rapidly-building engine speed.

Sometimes the big metal receptacle that held the gas generator cartridge would get so dirty from repeated use that the metal tabs wouldn't make contact. Then the cartridge would refuse to fire, and the crew chief would give the starter receptacle a good healthy whack with a wooden wheel chock, usually curing the powder charge of any reluctance to detonate.

We'd often take a can containing a starter cartridge along with us as an alternative starting means on cross-country. Then- USAF Captain John Green flew his F-100 one day into the Marine Corps Air Station outside of Memphis one day, back in the early '70s. He was met by a couple of young Marine ground crewmen, who asked what kind of plane he was flying.

“F-100 'Supersabre' " only got him further puzzled looks. One of the ground crew said, " Sir, I don't think we have tech data on this bird. What do you need for start . . a huffer . . or just electrical"?

"Neither one," John replied with his tongue in his cheek. "If I can get, oh, about six of you guys to give me a push to start me rolling, I'll just 'pop the clutch' and get the engine started that way."

More and more doubtful looks, but, "Yessir," was the final comeback. What else would a young Marine say?

The 'Hun' was pretty finely balanced aircraft on the two main gear struts, so when you tapped the toe brakes, the nose strut compressed so much that the nose would dip, just like the hood of cars used to dip when being clutch-started after a similar push from young friends.

So, now six Marines are standing at the ready, still doubtful, but not about to question an officer on 'procedure'. "Just get me going at about a fast walk," John called down from the cockpit. "I'll wave you all clear when we're fast enough, pop the clutch on this baby, and be on my way. And thanks for the good turnaround! "

With six Marines pushing, they quickly get the bird up to a brisk-stepping speed. John waves his arms, and the Marines warily stand well clear.

The nose dips as John "pops the clutch"......
there is a huge cloud of choking black smoke as the starter cartridge goes off, the Hun's engine whines into life, and off goes Captain Green to the end of the runway, leaving six puzzled Marines in his wake!

 

ok...most of the ones I know are one liners that I heard when I was a flight attendant...**pls let me know if I'm out of line and I'll happily retract**

Q) How do you get a flight attendant in the cockpit?
A) Grease her hips and put a Twinkie on the dash.

Q) What's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?
A) You can only fit one prick in a condom

Q) What's the difference between a bowling ball and a flight attendant?
A) You can only get 2 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q) What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
A) Pilot error.

 

The following radio exchange occurred between a Comanche, a Bonanxa, and ATC one hazy afternoon approaching theDalhart beacon...

ATC: Comanche *** Traffic 9:00, 7 miles, your altitude, a Bonanza eastbound.

Comanche: Comanche *** Looking, no contact.

ATC: Bonanza *** Traffic 3:00 7 miles, northbound, your altitude a Piper Comanche.

Bonanza: No joy on the Piper.

A minuite later...

ATC: Comanche *** Traffic is still 9:00, now 5 miles.

Comanche: Still no contact.

ATC: Bonanza *** Traffic 3:00, 5 miles closing, 9000 feet.

Bonanza: Comanche traffic not in sight.

Another minuite later...

ATC: Comanche *** Bonanza traffic now 3 miles 9:00 your altitude, advise traffic in sight.

Comanche: Still no contact... must be that new stealth Bonanza.

ATC: Bonanza *** Comanche now 3 miles northbond at your 3:00 position does not have you insight.

Bonanza: No contact on the Comanche... Yeah, we paid extra for that.

A few seconds later:

Comanche: Comanche *** has traffic in sight... you'll have to get a refund.

Bonanza: De-cloaking.


The really funny part is that the above exchange between ATC, myself, and the "stealth" Bonanza is completely true... EXCEPT for the final "De-cloaking" statement. Geez, I wish he'd actually said that!

 

ATC: "Critter 127, maintain flight level two niner zero, traffic twelve o'clock, niner miles, opposite direction at flight level two eight zero, King Air."

Critter:"Critter 127, roger."

ATC: "Critter, correction, your traffic at flight level two eight zero is a Beech Starship."

Critter:"Critter, roger, we have the backwards King Air in sight."

 

I get a huge kick out of this website.

http://www.skyhighairlines.com/main.asp

Keep refreshing the page and the slogan changes."Flying More, Caring Less"
"Flying is expensive. let us cheapen the experience", "You all look like ants from up here"..........etc

"Don't hire maids that are easily shocked by male nudity."
-Howard Barium, CEO and Chairman, SkyHigh Airlines


How come our fares can vary thousands of dollars from seat to seat? Is it dumb luck? Is it predatory pricing? Is it some kind of pin-the-fare-on-the-passenger game. Hardly. We can assure you our pricing structure represents the latest in bioengineering. A cutting-edge melding of silicon and white meat that assures scientifically random fares that are free from human influence and troublesome logic.

Click here to witness the high-tech wizardry!>>


The Daily Barium
A word from the chairman.

What is with you people?

The other day, I was returning home from our new terminal opening in Crook City, South Dakota and doing a little thinking. It’s a splendid facility, by the way - a passenger-friendly combination of airport terminal, truck stop and outlet mall. I’m sure you’ll love it. Anyway, while I was watching the moving human psycho-drama that is travel on our fine airline, I was struck by a thought. What is with you people? Now, I’m not complaining, just explaining here. But lately I’ve been wondering what is going on in those little brains of yours regarding a number of issues.

RE: Sweat clothes
Is there some sort of senior Olympics team that I’m not aware of? If there is, exactly how big is that team? It must be huge. Because there are thousands elderly people in matching tracksuits on our airline everyday. There is a larger question here: When did sweat clothes become acceptable outerwear? In my mind, outside of gymnasiums and physical therapy facilities, the only time it’s acceptable to wear sweat clothes in public is when you are flushed out of your home by fire.

RE: Fees and service charges
Do you work for free? We don’t. When some one asks us to do something extra during our workday, we expect a little something for the effort. We wouldn’t come into your place of business and ask you for chicken nuggets or to press our shirts for free. It’s all about give and take. And take.

RE: Food
Before you complain about splitting a bag of peanuts with your fellow passengers, consider for a moment that the pioneers built this country on just jerky, corn dodgers and hard tack. And on those meager provisions, they created none other than the greatest country in the history of the world. So when you complain about sharing a honey roasted legume, it sounds a lot like someone knocking the United States of America.

RE: Comfort:
If you’re having trouble getting comfortable on our flights, it’s probably because you don’t fit within our ideal passenger dimensions. Our planes were designed with a specific type of person in mind – a five foot three inches, 125 pound, long-waisted, ambidextrous male/female who is very, very flexible. If you aren’t that person, you should probably address your angry letters to your parents.

It’s really great we had this dialogue. I don’t know about you, but I feel better. See what happens when we talk? We learn. We grow.

Okay. Good stuff.
Keep your head in the clouds.

Howard

Travel item catalog inspired by real customer complaints! Hilarious. http://www.skyhighairlines.com/catalog.pdf


Explore the website, make a reservation, click on all of the advertisements. Some pretty funny stuff. (NOTE, this a dummy site put up by Alaska Airlines.)