Post your favorite joke you've ever heard. Here's mine, a nice one for the whole family. _______________________________ There was a loser named Bubba that always came into the same bar each night and cried into his beer. One night he came in smiling from ear to ear. The bartender couldn't resist inquiring about Bubba's happy mood... "What are you so happy about Bubba?" "Well, I tell ya, last night a great thing happened to me. I was walking along the train tracks and found a woman tied up on the train tracks. Just like in a movie!" "What did you do?" "I untied her." "Then what?" "And we went back to my place and did it ALL NIGHT LONG! We did everything. Me on top, her on top, it was incredible!" "Was she good-looking?" . . . . . "I dunno, she didn't have a head."
Here is the best joke of my life: I did business with Wayne Hynes of SR Exotic Automotive in Livermore, CA!!!!!
Blonde bimbette goes into a bar & tells the bartender, "Gimme a Double Entendre!" So he gave it to her.
HA! That's a good one! Lemme try... I'm telling this the way I like telling it. Helps if you're unshaven, wearing a surgical shirt, and smoking. So, a woman's in the hospital after a really tough pregnancy. She wakes up and sees her belly is a lot flatter. Now, since she'd been knocked out during the delivery, she starts hitting the buzzer. Nurse comes in, "Yeah?" Mom says, "I'd like to see my baby!" Nurse says, "Look, lady, I'm going on break in 5 min-" Mom goes over Nurse's head, "Okay - you wanna play tough? I want the doctor in here. Now!" Nurse says, "Fine." Leans out door, "Doc! C'mere!" You can hear the Doc coming down the hallway, "Aw, Jeez, what the hell, huh?" So, as he leans into the room while fanning some ciggie smoke, he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want?" Mom says, "I want to see my baby." Nurse says, "Can you believe this chit? Christ!" Doc says, "Take a break already, will ya? You're starting to get on MY nerves! Oh, and uh, bring me a wheelchair, just in case." Nurse goes out, seconds later, you hear wheelchair SLAM against door. Doc says, "Wouldn't hurt HER to get knocked up, if ya know what I mean," as he elbows Mom's ribs. *sigh* "Look, lady. You're gonna need a lottttttta rest, okay? So, let's just unplug this buzzer and..." Mom's furious now, "I want to see my..." Doc interrupts, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and starts mimicking Mom "I want to see my baby. Bla-bla-bla." Then, as he flicks some cigarette ashes onto uneaten jello, he says, "Look, your kid's got a lotta problems." Mom - "Problems? Like what?" Doc gets up, gets wheelchair, says, "Come on, get in the chair. We're goin' for a riiiiide." So, while they're heading down the corridor, Doc says, "Now, first off, I gotta tell ya... your kid ain't got no arms." Mom's howling, "What? Oh God, what could be worse?" Doc flicks smoldering cigarette butt ahead of wheelchair, runs over it, "Well, he ain't got no legs either." Mom's hysterical now. "Oh, God, what could be worse?" *BAM* as wheelchair knocks open doors to a room where a gigantic 8-pound eyeball sits in an incubator. Doc lights up another ciggie and says, "Welp, there it is." Mom's screaming, "Oh, God! What could be worse?" Doc blows a smoke ring and says, "It's blind."
My mom filed a lawsuit against that hospital. I was taken to another hospital where my condition was upgraded to as$hole.
OK. A guy is sitting at the bar drinking his face off. After about the 10th beer he needs to go to the washroom. Bartender!! He slur's...We "hic" iss the bathroom? "hic" "Down the hall to the right"...yells the bar Tender. The drunk manages to get to his feet and waddel and sway down the hall. He opens the door and walks in. sits down and does his thing. Meanwhile the bar tender is cleaning the glasses behined the bar..suddenly he hears a horrific scream come out of the hallway door. Dropping the glass he runs to the bathroom to see whats going on...Nobody is there. Then he hears another scream this time worse then before!! He runs accross the hall to the door on the left and opens it ...there he finds the drunk. What the hell are you screaming at he asks..."there is somthing wrong with your toilet" says the drunk.."there is nothing wrong with my toilet" replies the bartender. "Yes there is yells" the drunk. "Everytime I go to flush the toilet somthing comes up and grabs my balls and squeezes really tight!! crys the drunk. YOU IDIOT yells the baretender. You're not sitting on a toilet...you're sitting on my mop bucket!!!
Escaped Convict A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU" TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"