Preparing for hurricane Ivan ;-)

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by maranelloman, Sep 14, 2004.

  1. maranelloman

    maranelloman Guest

    Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
    pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
    meteorological points:

    (1) There is no need to panic.

    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new
    to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
    the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
    experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
    preparedness plan:

    STEP 1.

    Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three

    STEP 2.

    Put these supplies into your car.

    STEP 3.

    Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
    statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most
    people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most
    important hurricane preparedness items:


    If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
    insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and

    (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
    might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
    not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
    pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
    business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
    insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
    the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
    you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an estimated
    27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and
    Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to
    my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


    Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors,
    and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types
    of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
    they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
    they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
    them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
    will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
    will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
    to sell your house to pay for them.

    Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
    protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
    hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
    lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing Your Property:

    As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
    barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You
    should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
    don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
    Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.


    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
    out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
    driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

    The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
    home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
    traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
    other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
    now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
    minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
    strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

    In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
    *23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
    power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
    *Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
    bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A 55-gallon drum of
    underarm deodorant.
    *A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
    hurricane, but it looks cool.)
    *A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
    who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
    *$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
    buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
    is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
    your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
    to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
    everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember:
    It's great living in Paradise!!!by Dave Barry originally published in the Miami Herald
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