Rate my novel's first scene. | FerrariChat

Rate my novel's first scene.

Discussion in 'Creative Arts' started by EastMemphis, Aug 14, 2025 at 1:18 PM.

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Please read the first scene from my novel "The Message" and select from the following.

This poll will close on Aug 28, 2025 at 1:18 PM.
  1. AI garbage. Decommission whatever AI created it.

  2. Don't give up your day job.

  3. I couldn't get past the second sentence.

  4. I read it but I wouldn't read another scene.

  5. Passable. I might want to read more.

  6. Decent. I might want to read more.

  7. Not bad. I would read more if I had the time.

  8. Not bad. I would like to read more.

  9. Commercial quality.

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  1. EastMemphis

    EastMemphis Formula 3
    Owner Silver Subscribed

    May 25, 2019
    1,857
    Memphis, TN
    Full Name:
    John
    #1 EastMemphis, Aug 14, 2025 at 1:18 PM
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2025 at 1:37 PM
    Zen's World: The Message
    A First Contact Story

    CHAPTER ONE
    The Launch


    02/07/2074 03:00:00Z (20:00 Z-7)

    Ellie sits in the sleek maglev shuttle from Long Beach to the Catalina Spaceport, grinning like a kid on her first roller coaster. I’m going to space!

    She marvels at the cabin interior covered in view screens. It’s like riding in an underwater glass train! As the car clears the murky, industrial waters of the port, the view outside the submerged tunnel suddenly opens into the deep, dark blue of the San Pedro Channel.

    Above, a cluster of brilliant spotlights cuts through the darkness, revealing the immense, dark hull of an outbound cargo freighter. A team of tugboats guides the hulk towards an unknown destination.

    The sheer scale of it, even from this distance, is breathtaking. The miracle of modern technology, she thinks. This is ultra-first class.

    She chuckles to herself, thinking about where she was this morning. I woke up in a mud hut covered in green clay goop wearing nothing but a loincloth, and here I am, on my way to space, all clean and fresh in my fancy dress.

    A dress she’d grabbed in the Rio airport during a short layover.

    The view is so different from her last six months in the Amazon that she doesn’t notice the man sitting beside her is already speaking.

    She turns to look at him and hears only, “Blah blah, bla, blah?”

    Ellie laughs out loud and realizes she’s been thinking in the native dialect of an uncontacted tribe.

    “Excuse me?”

    “Hey gorgeous… I saw you in the terminal and figured I should introduce myself.” He bats his eyes. “Marcus.”

    Ellie suddenly remembers how modern men act and says, “That sounds a lot like stalking.”

    Marcus responds, “Let me guess, you’re a dancer for the Bolshoy?”

    Ellie laughs, thinking again about washing her only pair of pants in the river just that morning.

    She says, “Yeah, close.” She muses to herself, My ten year grant extension for one year offworld made me want to dance, so ya, a dancer.

    “You might have seen me in Ocean’s 77 or Sands of Mars,” Marcus adds, watching for a reaction. “I was in both.” Marcus waits, as if expecting applause. “Impressed?”

    She easily reads his intentions. “That’s nice,” she says smoothly.

    Marcus asks, “Where are you headed?”

    The hair on the back of Ellie’s neck stands up at the thought that he might be an EC agent, probing for information. She has been warned not to discuss any aspect of her contract. The briefing officer’s voice echoes in her head: They will test you. They will probe. Be polite, be vague, be forgettable.

    She could respond, “That’s classified,” but that would reveal too much.

    Instead, she just turns it on him. “Where are YOU headed?”

    Marcus reacts, and Ellie thinks, He’s suddenly unsure. Just another narcissistic predator trying to score? Ugh.

    Ellie jams it home and says, “I see. You’re on a classified mission. What’s the nature of your command? Are you TKA?”

    Marcus is confused and babbles uncontrollably.

    Ellie keeps it going. “Ah, TKA on a secret mission and you’re not in command. What’s the nature of your classified work?”

    His jaw works, then he chuckles. “I’ll let you wonder what you’re missing. Enjoy your trip.” He retreats behind her.

    Ellie smiles to herself and goes back to staring at the amazing view.


    Full manuscript:
    https://zens-world.com/downloads/the_message_draft.pdf
     
  2. 3POINT8

    3POINT8 F1 Veteran
    Rossa Subscribed Silver Subscribed

    Jan 23, 2014
    5,331
    I would work on descriptions. The phrases the sheer scale is breathtaking and the view is amazing doesn't really describe anything and is a little bland. I would actually offer a description that leads us to the conclusion that the sheer scale is breathtaking. You also tell us a lot about what the character's motivations and intentions are. A bit too much hand holding. If you just describe what is happening in a little more nuanced detail then we can likely figure out the intentions. Also, I could be wrong but the tense or whatever its called does not seem correct. I think it should be Ellie smiled to herself and went back to staring at the amazing view. The way its written is like its present tense. I would recommend reading a ton of Steinbeck and Faulkner. Karl Ove Knausgaard is a modern author who can describe eating a carrot and make it seem interesting. They say if you want to write you got to read.
     
    EastMemphis likes this.

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