Relationship and Marriage questions

its better to be dead than married so marry after your'e dead

 

I dont think there is a protocal in this situation. Do what you feel is right. It all falls into place


Antony

 

That's nice.

Scare him off. Let him think all women are insane, abusive, and bent on murder.

You know, some of us are HAPPILY MARRIED!!! Well, at least I am. I think URO is, and I know the BWS550 is. Even John Lamour, despite his posturing, is happy. I actually met a couple dozen Fchatters at a party, all of whom seemed very happy with their spouse.

Not everyone has relationship problems, and trouble with committment, or girlfriends that need committing.

Not all women are gold digging *****es who could care less than nothing about you personally and will pull only your credit report.

But it does seem that many, many of the men here have very serious problems with women.

GEEEEEEEZ.

Oh, in answer to your question.. cohab if you want, engage when it feels right, marry when you feel secure in the relationship and know that there's no better match for you. Can't put a timetable to that. I knew, honest to God, by about my second date that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my wife. Sometimes it's just that right.

Dave M

 

Mark,

I think you will get answers that will vary by generation.

That said, I think people should wait at least two years before getting married. So, if you get engaged quickly, then off set it with a long engagement. If you've been dating a close to a couple of years then you don't need a long engagement.

As for living together, that really depends on the people. You will learn a great deal about your prospective spouse if you live together first. You can also establish rolls and responsibilities. But, don't make the mistake that it's just like marriage - It isn't.......

How old should you be? Old enough to know it's the right person for you. But, I think you should be at least 23. I think there is a real benefit from living on your own and being self sufficient for a few years. By 23, you've probably done it.

 

When they're ready. That doesn't mean when they figure, "Aww heck, why not?". But when they actually want to.

I was in love with my wife before our first date. I moved into her apartment on the first date. I gave it a good two weeks to make sure that I wasn't insane, then I proposed to her. YMMV, but if you're dating for 2 years and you still aren't sure if you want to get married, you might as well just quit the relationship immediately, you don't really want to do it and any more time you spend with that person is just wasted money and time.

I married my wife on the 1 year anniversary of our first date. Take however long you need to get your finances in shape and work out the idea of "compromise".

MOST DEFINITELY!! YOu have no idea what you are in for if you don't live together. I was with a girl for 4 years and we never really went away together, but I was starting to think, "Yeah, I guess its time I thought about marrying her, it's been long enough". Thankfully, we went away for a week together and by the end of that week, I was plotting her murder and the disposal of the body. Real eye opener and made me realize I had no desire to marry her. If you do think you have intentions to marry, test drive it first by moving in.

Bill in Brooklyn

 

I've been married for 11 years and would never want to go back to being single. The joy I get from our committed loving relationship is so much better than all the fun I had while single and dating. But, it has to be the right partner for it to work out that way.

 

IMHO: 1) late 20s to 30; 2) at least a year; 3) 6 months or so; 4) No.No.N/A.

 

You'll know when it's right but, keep in mind, marriage is a risk. To me, it's not when you get married or how long you've known eachother, it's WHAT YOU DO after the fact.

Marriage, you could say, is like owning a Ferrari. It's relatively obtainable but takes a great deal of preventative maintenance to keep running smoothly. Both can be your greatest ups and lowest of lows.

Dane

 

FWIW.....

1) 25+ minimum (it should be a law IMHO)

2) After at least one year of living together

3) 6 months to one year

4) Yes living together is the best acid test.....18-24 months

 

Mark,

I was providing a very broad generic answer. I didn't realize that you were asking for yourself.

Can I ask what your parents think / recommend?

 

Her parents are correct and I don't fault them for their opinion. They clearly love their daughter and want the best for her.

In a perfect world I would say that not living together before marriage is ideal. Unfortunately, with divorce rates sky high and couples willing to divorce over little things that people in your parents generation would have worked out, I think there is a benefit. Tread carefully as you will probably loose a bit of respect from her parents (Not something you want for your future wife & in-laws) if you both decide to live together before marriage. It might soften the blow if you were engaged first.




I wish you both the best.

(Isn't it interesting that you both are the min. age and have been dating the min. amount of time in my first recommendation?)

 

1) How old should one be (roughly) when they get married?
30

2) How long should two people date before getting engaged?
at least a year

3) How long after getting engaged should the couple get married?
1 year

4) Should two people live together before getting married?
Absolutely.

Before getting engaged?
Even before getting engaged

For how long?
For 1 year.

 

Your answer to #4 is Insane.Insane.Yes/Insane

Bill in Brooklyn

 

Don't get married until you have accomplished your life's ambition. Seeing that you post here you are probably a motivated, goal oriented person with some plans in life. Get there first. Women can be dream killers. Not all, but many. You may have to move around, work 18 hour days, postpone things to accomplish your dreams, all much harder once you are married.
If you have found the franchise player she will stick with you and you will be better off for it.

 

I gotta disagree with this a bit ... this relationship isn't about your parents or hers, it's about you and her and that's it. If her parents have a problem with the two of you getting freaky under the sheets or moving in together, tough titties ... you can have a problem with letting them see their grandchildren then if they want to be like that.

I'm not sure what your life is like, but I had a few hobbies when I met my wife. I shot handguns competitively (truck-loads of money spent on ammo), motorcycled 25 - 30K miles a year, had a new 325 coupe converted to a track car, and spent obscene amounts of money on photography equipment. That didn't count the hobbies that didn't last like paintball, gasoline RC cars, drag racing, and computer gaming. Needless to say, "compromise" was a real arse whooping for me. But she was worth it, and I couldn't be happier now.

Test drive the woman first ... in every way. Live with it, sleep with it, brush your teeth with it, shower with it, take care of it when its sick, let it take care of you when you are. If you still love it and can't wait to see it again ... then its yours.

Bill in Brooklyn

 

Reread my post, I'm not disagreeing with you........

Bill, your post made me laugh. I wish the best for you too.

 

I forgot to add that I am 45 (wifey is 40)......been with lots of women.....lived together with at least 6.....finally got married at 41 after finding the right one. Neither of us want kids......and most women lie when asked this question early on in the process........it caused 3 of the 6 breakups for me actually. The other 3 were just not compatible with me and/or I was not compatible with them.

If you want to have your own business......a woman will most likely ruin it for you (this is statisticially true in terms of success rates for unmarried entrepreneurs). Wait until you are succesfull before getting married......having said that I directly contradicted my own advice because I went into my own business after 2 years of marriage, but as my wife is a hard working career woman who puts in the long hours and understands the work ethic it has been fine. And.....I told her in no uncertain terms before I did this during our talk about it....that the payoff will be potentially huge once it is succesfull......and if you force me to choose between one or the other.......you'll be the one to go. She gave me permission to proceed.....as we were discussing money and career potentials.

I can't count the people who got divorced when married in their 20's......there's too many of them.

Good post Bill.....I'm still laughing !!

 

I totally agree with Frank on #4 - never ever.

Engagements should be a few months, 4-8 IMO. These people who are engaged for 2 years, 3 years, that's just silly. Downright silly.

I disagree on age though - I think mature people in their early 20's can make it work fine. Maturity is the more important factor that chronological age. The problem is, the "play now, settle later" attitude tends to permanently retard one's social and spiritual growth IMO.

 

I hear a lot of people on here, and outside this board, all tout the advantages of living together before marriage. There are lots of studies, and lots of stories out there that show this is not the litmus test to a long-lasting relationship everyone thinks it is. It makes sense why society has gotten this way. With so many people having come from divorced families, they think this is the best way NOT to end up like their parents. It's just not that cut and dry. Psychology Today has a good article this month on this very thing. I looked at their webpage, it looks like it's there too:

http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20050614-000001.xml

I for one am not into the whole playing house thing. I've had girlfriends want to move in with me before, and I always said no. Months down the road, those relationships didn't work out (and one I swore I would have married). I'm still glad we didn't live together. It would have only made the breakup that much more painful.

 

Here's THE ONLY answer. All the rest is BS!

None can judge man for:

1. What he thinks is beautiful.

2. Who he loves.

3. What he believes.

4. What he wants.

Period!